“If there is a particular person in your life that is repeatedly
choosing not to honor you and is causing you more sadness or pain than they are
joy - it might be time to release that friendship back to God and trust that it
is not where you belong.” ― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a
Dash of Sass
Superman had a weakness and it was called Kryptonite. It was
toxic to Superman because it made him weak. When Kryptonite was close to him, he
was not able to perform to his full potential, while remaining in his natural
state.
How often are we ingesting things, which are toxic to our
own bodies? Recently, I learned grains, like refined flour, wheat, Omega-6
industrial seed oils, High-fructose corn syrup and processed soy is not good
for me. I tested a Wal-Mart Banana and then bought a Whole-Food Store organic Banana,
then had a friend taste test them. Every time the organic banana won. Why?
Because it isn’t hormone induced and it is not infested with other chemicals.
Learning to modify my diet has helped me to keep off 75 pounds of weight by
getting rid of these toxins.
What does Toxic really mean? A toxin is something, which is capable
of initiating diseases or damaging tissues, when it encountered externally and
internally. Sometimes, one may think it is pesticides, but even water is toxic
at high doses. However, what about relationships, are they toxic?
Everyone can be considered toxic. Just like water can be
toxic at high doses, or kryptonite to a superhero, people can be toxic to
others. Some relish the thought of “you complete me”, like in the Jerry McGuire
movie when he said, “you had me at hello”.
Sometimes this can be seen as “codependency” because ideally, no one
should need anyone to complete them.
Any relationship can be toxic. Codependency is a form of
toxicity. Codependency is a relationship that is manipulated or controlled by
another person that has a pathological condition (like alcoholism, drug
addition, narcissism). Codependency in simple terms means to lower your priority
of needs, while extremely being engrossed with satisfying the needs of others. Codependency
is exemplified through denial (this isn’t happening (cheating/adultery), low
self-esteem, or manipulation.
Relationships do not have to be romantic to be considered “toxic”.
It took me several years to realize the type of women I was attracting because I
was being codependent in satisfying a need for me not to be alone. I was toxic
to myself and in return they were toxic to me. I had to learn to get rid of the
toxicity by learning to live alone. As I look back at one recent broken relationship, she seemed to be bitter and harbored much resentment of her past. She appeared pretty on the outside, but toxic on the
inside and it affected who I was as a person, even when I was learning to live alone.
How do you know if you are in a toxic relationship? Here are
a few symptoms:
- You feel like no matter how hard you try, you can’t do anything right.
- Everything is about them and never about you and when you express you need some attention to, then they manipulate you into feeling guilty and the focus is back on them.
- You find yourself not able to enjoy the good times around them.
- Always drama and can’t feel you can be yourself around them or others.
- They are not supportive in not adapting to the changes you want to make or growing as an individual.
Now, look at yourself and see if you could be toxic to others by, nagging too much, being high maintenance, self-absorbed, lacking understanding, not
effectively communicate or personalizing everything, can be toxic to yourself
and others. Second, look at the other person and see if you are lowering your
priorities and always meeting their needs. Do you feel you are continually providing
for a person, (example: has an addiction) because you feel you do not want them
to hurt anymore? Maybe, it is rejection you do not want to feel or for them to
feel. Abusive relationships are another form of codependency.
How do you deal with toxicity? Is there a way to deal with
toxic people in your life? Here are a few ideas or suggestions in how I dealt
with toxic people in my life:
- I had to learn to journal my emotions. I had to learn to captivate my thought (2 Cor 10:5) and learn that just because someone thinks I am worthless, doesn’t mean I am actually worthless to myself or to anyone else. If there are more thoughts from one person that I am worthless, then I know I am in a toxic relationship.
- I had to quit denying the reality. Do not overlook red flags. I over looked a relationship, which her children were very toxic and she even complained, “do you think bad of me if I didn’t want to be around my own children.” I denied and overlooked and realize that toxic can feed off of toxic and it is better not to engage in a relationship if that level of toxicity is there.
- Identify the positive and negatives within the relationship. Are there more positives, such as: do they tell you how attractive you are, do they help you with special projects when being asked or not asked, do they treat you with respect and not guilt you into something that is against your boundary?
- Create a healthy boundary. Create a self-boundary you will not cross. Example, how much negative comments will you allow, How many times will you allow them to cheat on you or how many times will you allow them to put you down in front of others or behind your back? Creating boundaries will enable you to feel positive about who you are.
- Surround yourself with positive people. Find “healthy people,” who seem to be confident in whom they are and can see life as an almost full glass even though others see it as half-emptied. These people will help encourage you when you feel down. Will be supportive to assist you to get out of abusive, cheating and unhealthy relationships and not judge you because of the current situation.
Finally,
stopping toxic relationships is hard work, but having support from people who
understand what you are doing can help you find the much needed rest and
solitude. It is learning to find that inner-child that is wounded from the past
and healing. It is learning to facilitate your life through positive
affirmations from others and positive self-talk. No one deserves to be in toxic
relationships. If you find yourself stuck, reach out to someone who can help
you get out of the rut of toxicity.
Sometimes
you can’t fix it and there is no sense in asking why they are the way they are.
You can’t fast-track through your pain. There is no magic wand to take it away.
Sometimes, you have to get out of the toxic relationship and when you do, do
not feel guilty about it. There is a hole and you may feel the need to want to
go back. Do you really want to be
trapped in a toxic tar pit that seems like you are drowning or stuck with no
way out? Find someone to talk to that can help you weigh out the cost of being
in a toxic relationship.
As a counselor, I had to heal my inner-child in order to realize there are toxic relationships, which do not allow me to reach my full potential. After recognizing what was "toxic", I stopped denying it and created healthy boundaries and provided the love. When you have the love and respect you deserve, then you will see the world seems to be brighter and not as toxic.
As a counselor, I had to heal my inner-child in order to realize there are toxic relationships, which do not allow me to reach my full potential. After recognizing what was "toxic", I stopped denying it and created healthy boundaries and provided the love. When you have the love and respect you deserve, then you will see the world seems to be brighter and not as toxic.
By Faith,
F(orging) A(ttitude) I(n) T(rusting) H(im)
