Dietrich Bonhoeffer--“The Cost of Discipleship” he stated:
“By judging others we blind ourselves to our own evil and to the grace
which others are just as entitled to as we are.”
I didn’t like growing up in a military family because of not being able to stay in one location, but I did
enjoy the benefits of traveling and seeing the world. Living in Japan for three years was the
highlight of my teenage years. I developed very close friendships and able to
maintain them through Facebook after all these years. Moving and losing a
relationship is heart piercing.
You don’t physically bleed, but your emotional tears that
are shed sometimes feel like blood runs out of your eyes. Losing someone to
death, someone who ends a relationship or someone using control by forcing the
silent treatment tends to wound the heart.
Why are relationships difficult? People gossip about someone
they do not like or do not know. People judge others based on race, sex, age,
and gender. People do not want to associate with someone because they don’t
like them and in reality, sometime it is something within them they don’t like.
Maybe, family members use their power of
control by the use of silence and have nothing to do with you. Either way it is
challenging to have healthy relationships.
Granted we all have a past.
I grew up to learn unhealthy thinking and ways of developing
relationships. It took a long time for me to change who I am and work on
building successful relationships. A while back I sent apology letters and
spoke to people of those whom I hurt. If I have forgotten someone, then I ask
for your forgiveness now for hurting you.
We all grow and should allow the room for everyone to grow
when making mistakes. If two people are not agreeable to be cognizant and accountable
for their relationship, then things tend to unravel. Most people I’ve counseled
express, “a good relationship doesn’t take much work.” This unfortunately, is a
misconception for all relationships require a conscious effort to maintain courteousness
and a strong level of stability.
Last week a family of five was sitting in my office. A 14
year old patient explained he doesn’t feel loved. His mother interjected and
tried to point out everything they had done. Good thing I read the Five Love
Languages. Most of us try to express how
we love someone through our interpretation of love and it doesn’t mean it is the
receiver’s way of understanding they are loved. We have to speak their love
language and his was quality time of one on one and both parents acknowledged
they didn’t do this.
It is important to create healthy boundaries and being
careful to stay out of toxic relationships. However, healthy boundaries should
provide a maturity level by providing closure to the other person as to why you
no longer want to associate with them and not enforcing the silent treatment.
Jesus displayed a relationship model when He chose the
twelve disciples. The first one, John, Christ dearly loved. The, Christ spent time with two
others, James and Peter. These three were the pivotal point, which teaches us
in relationships of who we can love and trust based upon trial and error.
They are the core of our relationships.
However, we have to like and accept who we are before we can allow anyone into
our private circle. Once that circle of trust has been established then there
were the other nine men they associated among themselves. Then you have another
circle of disciples who were followers. These are like people in your school,
work, church, etc. that are your acquaintances.
Relationships are difficult because what others gossip
about. Husbands and wives fall prey into this category. Bottom line, a husband,
wife, significant other etc, should NEVER talk bad about their partner towards others.
No matter how bad the relationship is going. Counseling is better reserved to
air out those toxic feelings. Those who are in relationships and or married
should NEVER talk to the opposite sex about what is going on in their marriage.
You never know if that other person has an eye on your prize and they would say
anything to get it.
“If someone isn’t what others want them
to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of
how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her
own.” ? Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
Finally, treat people not the way you want to be treated.
Rather, treat people better than what you think you should be treated. Gossip damages other people. Silent treatment
kills. I’ve learned not to write people
off because you never know if God is working on changing who you are as a
person. It has for me and developed some wonderful relationships because my
viewpoints changed about that other person.
Harvell Hendris in his book, Getting The Love You Want, has
a great quote that I would like to share:” “In order to have a satisfying love
relationship, both partners need to draw their energy back into the
relationship. It is very difficult to identify what is wrong with a
relationship if the participants keep themselves distant and distracted. Even
more important, two intimate partners cannot reconnect with each other until
they are physically and emotionally available.”
Please, do some prayerful thinking about your own relationships.
Paul says make every opportunity to make peace with everyone (Romans 14:9). Just because someone rubs you the wrong way,
doesn’t mean you should run from it. I am thankful for those who rubbed me the
wrong way and helped me to change my thinking into becoming a better person. We
all need some changes in our relationships. It’s better to live in light than
to snuff someone’s light out because of who they are or what you heard about
them.
By Faith - Always Forging Attitude In Trusting Him,
