A Hard Pill Called - Acceptance (part 3 Yourself)

 "If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation.” ― Jiddu Krishnamurti

You see it everywhere. Sometimes it may be a glimpse. It’s you in the mirror, in the water, in glass, in a reflective shiny object displaying your image. Some can’t stand their pain and begin to self-harm or turn to substance abuse. They can’t bear to stand to look at themselves in the reflective state.

Her head was down. There were the scars on both arms from cutting. A desperate cry eluded from her arms for help. I asked her if she loved herself and the reply was “no” and “no one loves me.” Further into the therapeutic treatment process it was discovered she thought loving herself was selfish.  It is a false lie, which seeps its way into the cornerstone of the mind. When you expect others to give themselves to do for you, what you can be doing for yourself, it is considered selfish.  Loving yourself is not selfish.

I wonder if you feel like you have tried everything to feel positive about yourself, yet there is the ooze of feelings surfacing of being unworthy and inadequate.  Trying to take the responsibility for making others feel happy or validated is not a loving relationship. It robs you from having a loving relationship, which questions your self-worth and loving you as you. Loving should be about learning and maturing to share love and companionship. 

Ironically, taking responsibility for formulating for yourself feelings of happiness, security and being validated creates a loving relationship that will support and enhance your feelings. It is when we expect others to do this for you, is when you feel you are not loved. Therefore, a deeper sense that you are unlovable begins to create self-abandonment, which develops insecurity and lack of self-worth.  The abandonment you feel stems from shame and it is the disengagement from self and worth that stops you from creating the inner peace, joy and a relationship with love. 

When you do not love yourself there is a projection of entering into unhealthy relationships. It is common to go into a relationship with a principle thought this other person will love you, provide feelings of happiness and to make you feel good. Then those thoughts elevate those feelings of hope and high expectations this other person will make you feel worthy and lovable. Then, like termites, the expectation eats away and the result of these expectations comes crashing down that leaves both of you feeling disappointed and disillusioned about your relationship with each other. Then the blame game begins that it is the other person’s fault or blaming God for the unhappiness you feel. 

Please, read carefully because this is a key to successful relationships. You have to learn to love yourself. Put your love about yourself into action because if you do not learn to love yourself, then you are unable to love in a healthy manner. Heartache, emptiness, feelings of loneliness or always having that need to have someone in your life will be there. 

Learning to swallow the pill of self-acceptance for who you are, your past mistakes, and learning to heal from the shame you are not good enough, can create self-acceptance that promotes a healthy healing and projection of oneself. When you heal, then the problems of healing with your spouse, relationship, loneliness, depression will also begin to mend. 

How do you begin to accept yourself and love yourself when you feel so terrible on the inside?

1. Explore your limited belief system that may cause your painful feelings.
2. Empathetic - begin to open up and explore your own beliefs and fears that may be initiating you to put up barriers and walls.
3. Be open to truthful information about yourself in regards to your beliefs in loving yourself.
4. Regulate your thoughts and feelings and get a pulse on when you begin to doubt your abilities or trying to make someone else responsible for you or your happiness.
5. Learn to FORGIVE yourself about past mistakes. Don’t relish in the past.

When you learn to accept yourself, then you will begin to notice several things, which begin to happen:

1.               People will be more attracted to you from your confidence rather from your fear.

2.               You can ask for what you need help with, instead of expecting others to read your mind.

3.               Take responsibility for your own feelings and not blame others.

4.               Others can be free in speaking the truth, when you are open to learning to be honest and 
           dealing with your own feelings than playing the blame game. 

There is a choice between performing out of love or out of fear. Bottom line, you must forgive yourself of your past mistakes. Learn to respect your thoughts and others. Let others be who they are in spite of what you see yourself as. Find value in yourself and you will find value in others. Learning to forgive is the first step to healing and learning to love yourself. Try to focus on the positive of things and because you have experienced a negative past doesn’t mean everything in the future will be the same way. 

Start a positive self-talk and captivate those self-defeatist thoughts that you are not worthy to be loved despite what others say. Tell yourself you are unique and keep your distance from those who are negative about life and cannot find anything positive to say. Create a support system that will help you to love yourself. Finally, be kind to yourself. It is okay to be alone and take a bath without the kids. 

If Jesus went out to the garden alone to pray, then we need to learn the example that it is okay to be still. When we calm our inner spirit, and accept who we are by forgiving our past, then the future becomes brighter. I will leave you with this final quote by Maya Angelon:

  “I don't know if I continue even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'Well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, 'I'm sorry,' and then you say to yourself, 'I'm sorry.' If we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one's own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that's rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach.”

When you accept yourself then faith is putting your attitude on His anvil and allowing Him to forge your life.