”We live and breathe words. .... It was
books that made me feel that perhaps I was not completely alone. They could be
honest with me, and I with them. Reading your words, what you wrote, how you
were lonely sometimes and afraid, but always brave; the way you saw the world, its
colors and textures and sounds, I felt--I felt the way you thought, hoped,
felt, dreamt. I felt I was dreaming and thinking and feeling with you. I dreamed
what you dreamed, wanted what you wanted--and then I realized that truly I just
wanted you.” ― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork
Prince
There it is in black and white and your mind
is stumped. Little boxed squares with numbers inside. There is a hint for a six
letter word going across that is the synonym for excogitate. The first letter is
filled in with the letter P going down. Now, sometimes my vocabulary is limited
and I would have to look up the word “excogitate.” If I can deliberate
that for a moment, then the word just may populate in my mind.Have you had the challenge of working with crossword puzzles? I sometimes like them, but I enjoy scrabble. However, you have to have a repertoire of words to pull out of your brain to lay them in a scoring manner. Have you figured out that word yet? Great! Don’t tell anyone, because I will reveal it at the end of this blog to help you out with that crossword puzzle answer.
Words are written sometimes in black and white. Sometimes, things are bold face as we read them. Most of us have the problem reading the fine print. However, what is it about our eyes and mind working together that makes it seem impossible to understand what we are reading. Sometimes it may seem we have selective reading. Our emotions and thoughts are the glasses to how we respond back to that email or text.
One thing I learned about texting while driving is being very careful in what you say. Words have different meanings and sometimes the way you enunciate it into your phone doesn’t always come out the way you expected it to be. Like the time I was at a stop light and spoke into my phone, “I hope you have received my text and I will text you later when I get into the office.” Well, yes, you guessed it… I hit send because the light turned green and I didn’t proof my text message.
In 30 seconds, I received an odd response back to my text. I looked and busted out laughing. Well, my sent text read, “I hope you received sex and I will see you later, when I gate in 2 the office.” I turned three shades of red that day! Their reply, “Not yet, waiting on you! (evil grin).”
There are four significant reasons why marriages fail and some relationships fail: communication, finances, children and sex. Therefore, since we already seemed to cover the last topic, let’s get to the core issue to any relationship: communication. Communication is essential and with today’s electronics there is a bigger disconnect in understanding each other due to the lack of face to face intervention.
When I went out to eat there was a family of four sitting at a table at a Mexican restaurant in Broken Arrow. Mom and dad both were on their cell phones and their two children had I-pads, while waiting on their food. Really? I do not see that marriage lasting much longer, when the children get older. These children had to be at least 6 or 8 years of age.
Communication is important and it is equally important to be understood. Expectations thwarts our communication and it leaves you “pondering” over whether or not the other person understood and then feelings get hurt and relationships downgrade from there. How do couples who have been married over 30 plus years make it?
The following is my observation as to why they make it and maybe this will help as a gentle reminder of communicating with others:
1.
Be self-accepting of yourself—be confident in who you are. This allows the
other person to be heard without you interjecting or forcing yourself into the
relationship. It allows you to hear and to grasp the opinion of the other
person without “the need to be right.” It provides an open table to strive to
understand the other person’s viewpoint. When you are not confident often times
it can be seen as becoming defensive if someone is providing constructive
criticism.
2.
Attitude & emotion —Our emotions can be like the wind and change
direction and force at any given time. Being cognitive of our emotional
continuum in a difficult situation will facilitate the outcome. Words have
power and it is difficult once they are spewed to take them back. Avoid the
temptation or retaliating with a quick response. If someone is emotional look
past their emotion and listen first. What if this person had a tragic event and
they were lashing out? When you have an attitude of patience and have a caring
emotion, then you can come to an understanding of how that person is trying to
convey themselves at that moment even if they are unable to see it
themselves. Being aware of your own attitude and emotion will help
alleviate unnecessary hardship on the relationship by having a crucial
conversation and both can learn to understand.
3.
Perception-reception —Learn to ask deeper questions. Clarify the statement instead of taking
it at face value. We often think we said one thing and it didn’t come out
right. Even though I spoke into my phone it didn’t correctly type out what I
wanted to say. I can’t take those words back. Check your perception by the
other person’s communication and clarify what they are seeking by being
receptive. Even though those words may be hurtful or stressful, be receptive
and use words like, “I understand” or “I heard you say.” When we use “I” in
understanding it helps the other person know you are listening and validating
who they are. Statements like, “You need to do this” or “What have I told YOU
about” can be destructive and builds defensive walls.
4.
Respect
—By having a respectful attitude, no matter how tough the conversation can be,
you can be fruitful within most any dialogue. This means being careful of
assumptions you make about the other person. Someone expressed, “You want
someone who can return your love and affection. I can’t do that. I have treated
you badly and I am not proud of myself.” In a relationship it is better not to
assume what the other person wants because sometimes it is based upon your own
limitations and thoughts about yourself and projecting that onto the other
person. Being respectful is being mindful of your limitations, but allowing
that person to communicate their feelings in a healthy manner. Being respectful
opens the door to compromise and mediation in order for both sides to be heard
and understood.
5.
FEAR-Blame—Unhealthy fear compels people to feel precarious.
They don’t trust others or themselves in order to manage difficult
conversational situations. Communication can be a power struggle if one feels
fearful in having a loss of control over the situation. Then they assign blame.
Blame has a brother and sister named regret and shame. This has the intent of
instantaneously wanting to reply without understanding the other person. Having
a healthy sense of the situation allows you to apologize to others and take
responsibility. This develops a healthy sense of communication which may
repair the relationship and through positive action restore the damage.
It is our attitude that is being forged on the anvil of His hands molding us into something far greater than where we were before. Finally, always let your words be like salt by seasoning and preserving the relationship to last for years to come. Stephen Covey said it best, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
By Faith (forging attitude in trusting Him)
