Got to Hand it to You

It takes two people to create a conflict. For some people they can double their fingers into a fist and use it as a tool for their conflict resolution approach. However, for a Christian conflict resolution should be a helping hand with all five fingers extended. The five finger approach involves five methods to an open hand.


First finger is to approach others in kindness and concern. Conflict stirs rejection and fear that will destroy communication. Any type of conflict will not be resolved in hostile environments. All it takes is one finger to open the door to establish communication. It is imperative to, “be kind and compassionate, forgiving one another as Christ forgave” (Ephesians 4:32, NIV) and “to clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Colossians 3:12, NIV).

Second finger is to establish humility and transparency. It takes two fingers to signal peace and or victory. When one begins to show transparency and humility without the fear of rejection then one’s innermost feelings and thoughts are exposed. Both couples will need to express trust when openly sharing without the threat of being rejected or put down. Confession or expression through prayer or a righteous person can be healing (James 5:1).

Third finger in conflict resolution is to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Three represents the God head. Three reminds the couples that God is the third person who should be in their relationship. He is the truth. However, in order to speak the truth it will require discipline and a desire to redeem the relationship that is similar to God redeeming the relationship through mankind. The goal is to restore your premarital or marital partner when the conflict arises. The motivation is to gain understanding of the other person. Finally, it takes a good listener that will restate their significant other’s words and argument so that they will feel valued, and they were heard.

The fourth finger reminds us there are four ears that are to listen to each other. Each partner should be slow in their speech, but quick to listen (James 1:19, NIV). When involved in conflict it is easy to fall pray into the anger mode and want to plan out our thoughts while the other person is speaking. Sometimes the truth will hurt and a person will selectively hear what the other person says because that is what will feel right and less hurtful.

Finally, the fifth finger extends a hand that is used to help, to hold in comfort or to shake on a new commitment. The fifth finger is to provide forgiveness. Forgiveness provides release from the conflict and provides healing and forgiveness from the Father (Matthew 6:14). Forgiveness is the act of a person’s will and founded upon the faith in Christ. Overall, forgiveness in conflict resolution in relationships takes a commitment to agree to overcome and to move forward from the experience. Forgiveness is a hand opend up and releasing whatever was there hurting you.

Commitment is an agreement that is universally based on a contract or covenant (Worthington, 2005). Throughout the Bible God has a golden thread of building a covenant with mankind. One instance is with Noah in Genesis 6:18, “But I will establish my covenant with you” (NAS) and other instances with Abraham, Isaac and through Christ and the church as the bride. It was clear that commitment through a covenant is very important and even questioned in Malachi 2:10, “Why do we profane the covenant of our ancestors by being unfaithful to one another” (NAS)? Making a commitment is holding each other accountable. If two are not in a commitment then there is no success in maintaining the marriage.


Communication problems stem from a deficit of love (Worthington, 2005). In any relationship communication is more than just words. It is actions and words working together to keep the relationship well oiled and without it relationships would fall apart. It may be commanded that men are to love their wives, (Ephesians 5:25), but if men do not communicate effectively (Colossians 3:19), or in an understanding way (1 Peter 3:7) then his communication with God will be hampered in his prayers (1 Peter 3:7). Communication with another human being and God is essential in maintaining a God centered relationship.

It is important for everyone to grasp the understanding of what God requires in handling conflict. If it is handled correctly then it can be beneficial in the growth of a person. However, if the conflict is handled incorrectly, then it can stunt maturity and incapacitate relationships. It is important to understand James 1:19 that everyone should be slow in speaking and slow in anger.

May this help  you to remember when use your hand as a gesture of peace and not for conflict. Remember we can be like a caterpillar and complain and think it is end of life wrapping us up in a concoon. However, the end results will help us look like a butterfly and we will feel free.


By Faith (Focusing Attitude In Trusting Him)