Be Different - What Does It Cost?

“Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~Aristotle

The British marched to Concord and Paul Revere warned the townsfolk, “The British are coming.” It was the last stand, but the beginning of the war for Independence. Shots rang out and it echoed through the land. Blood spilled as if it was to water the fields. Flags wave as a symbol of soldier’s pride of what they believed in and it justified their cause to fight. Smoke from fired cannons filled the air and in anticipation after the smoke cleared to see what was left standing. Fallen soldiers like fallen dominos scattered across fields. 

In June of 1776, a secret committee composed the formal declaration of independence that was spearheaded by Thomas Jefferson. The first draft was presented to congress on June 28, 1776. After several revisions, a vote was taken by the 13 colonies on July 4, 1776. There were nine colonies that were for it. Pennsylvania and South Carolina were the only two colonies, which voted against the Declaration; Delaware was undecided and New York abstained from voting. The majority won and the birth of a nation began. 

It is easy to spot the differences in the bee picture. Being different may seem easy. However, what if the minority spoke out and changed the minds of the majority to vote no?  Would there be a day of freedom or under the rule of another nation? What if the undecided persuaded the others to be indecisive, would that have made a difference?  

What is the difference between the government and the Mafia? One of them is organized. What is the difference between baseball and law? In baseball, if you’re caught stealing, you are out. What is the difference between you and me? No differences because there is a need to feel valued, worthy and trusted.

Too often differences are compared and biased attitudes and lack of education or fear creates prejudices, which create barriers in creating a unified humanity. Humanity comes together in most cases, when there is a crisis. However, during the crisis there are differences, which are created when individuals have material things and will up the prices. Then those without, are doubly punished by nature and then by their own humanity.  The tendency for survival kicks in and self becomes elevated above others. 

You don’t have to wonder very far from your home in order to see the faces of your family, work, school, church, or community. There are noticeable differences in how they dress, talk or places they live or how they live. There is one common thread, which holds people together by one common denominator, which is to feel worthy, valued and trusted. 

“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.” ~ Audre Lorde

Sometimes it feels there is an argument to conform to everyone’s standards. There are some that will do everything to make you feel you must conform to their “rules”. It is difficult to be different, to fight for what is right and what you believe. It is exhausting to have healthy boundaries, when it seems everyone expects/demands you to be something different and therefore why not just conform?

If you feel there isn’t any conflict, then could it be there is someone compromising their beliefs? Some conflict is natural and it helps build a nation like the day of Independence. When we do not feel valued, it is sometimes not adhering to your healthy boundaries and standing up to the difficulties to being different. 

Sometimes those difficulties make you feel you are mocked, misunderstood, an outcast, or wrongly accused. There has to be a value of being true to yourself, despite all odds that seem to be the minority speaking out. Unfortunately, it is the minority that sticks together and raises a voice in gossip about you that makes it difficult to allow others to see you differently. 

Yes, there have been accusations, gossips, being mocked, and being an outcast on multiple occasions. There was much self-talk for to remain true to myself, while my life seem difficult at the moment. Yet, it was rewarding that I didn’t choose to compromise or believe the negativity. I had to understand people are going to be different, but I had to measure myself worthy amongst those who were negative against me.

How do you measure that you are worthy? You seek the spiritual where it begins. Accept you are wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14). Get rid of those thoughts and ask yourself: “Am I willing to let go of approval from others”, and Am I willing to push past through my fears when it seems like things are not going to change and see it through” by making your thoughts obedient through Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5)?

What is the goal to freedom? Don’t be afraid to color outside the lines or think outside the box. It all starts by picking up the crayon and making the effort. We have unique perspectives to offer others. It is finding or surrounding yourself around those who are going to be supportive of you.

First, understand who you are and what you want to represent. This is your identity. Mine was found in Christ and everything else fell into place by meditating, journaling and organizing my thoughts before reacting to those who are on the attack. 

Second, it wasn’t about me. It was the work I was doing that put them on the attack against me. I had to learn not to take things personally because they didn’t understand what I represented.  They were attacking because they were trying to protect their own ideals and what I represented made them question their own values. 

If we do not have someone standing up for what is unique and important, despite what others will say, and then will inventions or crusades really matter?  It will seem lazy, when we do not stand up for what we believe in. When two opinions collide can there be a compromise, to avoid personality wars? 

The right to freedom is about being true to yourself. Being true to yourself, while having healthy boundaries, allows freedom without feeling constrained.  We all handle things differently and we may not understand each other’s approach, but we need to respect each other’s methods. The declaration of freedom by being different, comes with a cost, it is being true to yourself in the midst of standing opposition. Have you drafted your Declaration of Independence by being different?

It is by F(orging) A(ttitude) I(n) T(rusting) H(im)

Toxicity.... What is your Kryptonite?

“If there is a particular person in your life that is repeatedly choosing not to honor you and is causing you more sadness or pain than they are joy - it might be time to release that friendship back to God and trust that it is not where you belong.” ― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

Superman had a weakness and it was called Kryptonite. It was toxic to Superman because it made him weak. When Kryptonite was close to him, he was not able to perform to his full potential, while remaining in his natural state. 

How often are we ingesting things, which are toxic to our own bodies? Recently, I learned grains, like refined flour, wheat, Omega-6 industrial seed oils, High-fructose corn syrup and processed soy is not good for me. I tested a Wal-Mart Banana and then bought a Whole-Food Store organic Banana, then had a friend taste test them. Every time the organic banana won. Why? Because it isn’t hormone induced and it is not infested with other chemicals. Learning to modify my diet has helped me to keep off 75 pounds of weight by getting rid of these toxins. 

What does Toxic really mean? A toxin is something, which is capable of initiating diseases or damaging tissues, when it encountered externally and internally. Sometimes, one may think it is pesticides, but even water is toxic at high doses. However, what about relationships, are they toxic?

Everyone can be considered toxic. Just like water can be toxic at high doses, or kryptonite to a superhero, people can be toxic to others. Some relish the thought of “you complete me”, like in the Jerry McGuire movie when he said, “you had me at hello”.  Sometimes this can be seen as “codependency” because ideally, no one should need anyone to complete them.

Any relationship can be toxic. Codependency is a form of toxicity. Codependency is a relationship that is manipulated or controlled by another person that has a pathological condition (like alcoholism, drug addition, narcissism). Codependency in simple terms means to lower your priority of needs, while extremely being engrossed with satisfying the needs of others. Codependency is exemplified through denial (this isn’t happening (cheating/adultery), low self-esteem, or manipulation. 

Relationships do not have to be romantic to be considered “toxic”. It took me several years to realize the type of women I was attracting because I was being codependent in satisfying a need for me not to be alone. I was toxic to myself and in return they were toxic to me. I had to learn to get rid of the toxicity by learning to live alone. As I look back at one recent broken relationship, she seemed to be bitter and harbored much resentment of her past. She appeared pretty on the outside, but toxic on the inside and it affected who I was as a person, even when I was learning to live alone.

How do you know if you are in a toxic relationship? Here are a few symptoms:

1. You feel like no matter how hard you try, you can’t do anything right. 
2. Everything is about them and never about you and when you express you need some attention to, then they manipulate you into feeling guilty and the focus is back on them.
3. You find yourself not able to enjoy the good times around them.
4. Always drama and can’t feel you can be yourself around them or others.
5. They are not supportive in not adapting to the changes you want to make or growing as an individual.

Now, look at yourself and see if you could be toxic to others by, nagging too much, being high maintenance, self-absorbed, lacking understanding, not effectively communicate or personalizing everything, can be toxic to yourself and others. Second, look at the other person and see if you are lowering your priorities and always meeting their needs. Do you feel you are continually providing for a person, (example: has an addiction) because you feel you do not want them to hurt anymore? Maybe, it is rejection you do not want to feel or for them to feel. Abusive relationships are another form of codependency. 

How do you deal with toxicity? Is there a way to deal with toxic people in your life? Here are a few ideas or suggestions in how I dealt with toxic people in my life: 

1. I had to learn to journal my emotions. I had to learn to captivate my thought (2 Cor 10:5) and learn that just because someone thinks I am worthless, doesn’t mean I am actually worthless to myself or to anyone else. If there are more thoughts from one person that I am worthless, then I know I am in a toxic relationship. 
2. I had to quit denying the reality. Do not overlook red flags. I over looked a relationship, which her children were very toxic and she even complained, “do you think bad of me if I didn’t want to be around my own children.” I denied and overlooked and realize that toxic can feed off of toxic and it is better not to engage in a relationship if that level of toxicity is there.
3. Identify the positive and negatives within the relationship. Are there more positives, such as: do they tell you how attractive you are, do they help you with special projects when being asked or not asked, do they treat you with respect and not guilt you into something that is against your boundary?
4. Create a healthy boundary. Create a self-boundary you will not cross. Example, how much negative comments will you allow, How many times will you allow them to cheat on you or how many times will you allow them to put you down in front of others or behind your back? Creating boundaries will enable you to feel positive about who you are.
5. Surround yourself with positive people. Find “healthy people,” who seem to be confident in whom they are and can see life as an almost full glass even though others see it as half-emptied. These people will help encourage you when you feel down. Will be supportive to assist you to get out of abusive, cheating and unhealthy relationships and not judge you because of the current situation.

Finally, stopping toxic relationships is hard work, but having support from people who understand what you are doing can help you find the much needed rest and solitude. It is learning to find that inner-child that is wounded from the past and healing. It is learning to facilitate your life through positive affirmations from others and positive self-talk. No one deserves to be in toxic relationships. If you find yourself stuck, reach out to someone who can help you get out of the rut of toxicity. 

Sometimes you can’t fix it and there is no sense in asking why they are the way they are. You can’t fast-track through your pain. There is no magic wand to take it away. Sometimes, you have to get out of the toxic relationship and when you do, do not feel guilty about it. There is a hole and you may feel the need to want to go back.  Do you really want to be trapped in a toxic tar pit that seems like you are drowning or stuck with no way out? Find someone to talk to that can help you weigh out the cost of being in a toxic relationship. 

As a counselor, I had to heal my inner-child in order to realize there are toxic relationships, which do not allow me to reach my full potential. After recognizing what was "toxic", I stopped denying it and created healthy boundaries and provided the love. When you have the love and respect you deserve, then you will see the world seems to be brighter and not as toxic.

By Faith, 

F(orging) A(ttitude) I(n) T(rusting) H(im)