"Open My Eyes - I want to See You" (Finding Value in Others)

We cling to our own point of view, as though everything depended on it. Yet our opinions have no permanence; like autumn and winter, they gradually pass away.—Zhuangzi

How do you explain? How do you describe? Sometimes, there are not enough words to describe what I see. I feel there are not enough words to even explain the depths and the richness of what the treasures of each day brings. 

There are days that I feel that I am driving on the highway and all my focus is in front of me. I miss slowing down and driving in the country. I enjoy capturing with a camera and looking at the quilted blanket of leaves that the Creator wove over night for me to enjoy. Tunnel vision on the road keeps you from seeing the bigger picture. 

“I feel my parents don’t listen to me” she said with tears in her eyes. “I try to talk to my mother, but she just talks over me and tries to tell me what I should do”.  I handed her a tissue as I sat and listened to her story. “I have these thoughts that I am not good enough. I feel rejected by my mother because all I want is someone to listen to me and not tell me what I did wrong” she expressed to me as she sat in my office.  She continued with her story, “Sometimes, I am punished because she won’t let me hang out with my friends because she feels I am going to do the same thing and so that is why I cut myself.” She looked into my eyes and shared her story that she felt if her mother would blame her, then she might as well go ahead and do what her friends do, self-harm. 

We all have similar stories in how we want to share with others. Yet, we drive on the highway of life and we have this tunnel vision of not wanting to collide into another human being because we are afraid we are going to get hurt. We drive forward as to avoid our own pain and running from the feelings that the police are chasing us. We drive along the highway trying to get to our own destination and we forget how fast we go. We witness breakdowns and don’t stop to help. We witness wrecks and fatalities and we gasp or cry at the scene. 

Where are you in your life right now? Are you driving along and forgetting there is scenery out there? There are people who cross our paths and we do not know their story. We are all on this journey called life. We each have an encounter along the way. Some we push aside, some we allow to travel with us and some are like a toll booth: we stop, pay the toll and move on. 

It’s Monday. I was looking for some music to listen to before I started working. There it was staring me in the face. I am drawn to what children say and do. I hit play and I couldn’t help being touched by a 10 year old blind autistic boy that allowed a tear to flow from my eye. How does a 10 year old blind autistic boy touch my heart? 

He was born in May 2001 and his mother was a drug addict. I can only imagine the darkness of her world. Her son was born and placed into different foster care homes. In August of 2002, his uncle adopted him and the rest is history.  Take a moment and listen. I’ll continue writing this as you listen to his song:

Jonathan Swift wrote, “Vision is the art of seeing what is invisible to others.” Can you feel the passion of his voice as he is blind and how he uses his heart to express through his singing, “open the eyes of my heart, I want to see you.” 

The holidays are approaching. It is the worst time of year, when the statistics are like a temperature gage, which measures the heat of suicides and self-harm behaviors as they increase. People, who may have loved ones, still feel lonely on the inside and are blinded by negative thoughts. 

The movie, “Avatar” had a good message. They greeted each other with, “I see you”.  They took the time and gathered the message of really seeing into the heart of the person. It reminded me of the verse in Philippians 2:1-4 “ If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand”(The Message).

How do we see the “you” in others? How do we show “value” in others? How can we have the eyes of our hearts open to seeing others?

Here is what I have learned and pray it will be beneficial in seeing the other person’s heart and best intentions:

1.     Recognize the other person’s feelings and needs by valuing them by validating their existence, even though it will be different from your own feelings.

2.     Develop empathy by recognizing your feelings and then recognize others' feelings by listening to their opinions, right or wrong. Begin to see it in their eyes by thinking how it might be if you saw what they are expressing from their point of view. 

3.     Respond not out of reactiveness, but respond in an understanding caring way and see if there is something you can do by asking their permission to help. 

Finally, Robert Hall wrote, “A friend should be one in whose understanding and virtue we can equally confide, and whose opinion we can value at once for its justness and its sincerity.” Remember, there are those who are hurting and needing an ear to listen. We have two ears and one mouth, therefore, be slow to speak and intently hear the message of the heart. 

“Open the eyes of our hearts, Lord, so that we may see you!” and we see Him, if we look with compassion on others with open eyes and hearts.  I sometimes wish what I know now, that I can go back in time and apply this message with my own children. I love my children deeply and I want to continue to seek and to understand them for they will always have a place in their father’s heart. Forgiveness a crucial piece in finding peace in relationships and opening our blinded eyes; in order for us to see the beauty of people being able to change and be better people. 

Thanksgiving approaches; reach out to those who want to be thankful for finding them a place to express themselves. Stephen Covey expressed it in this way, “When you really listen to another person from their point of view, and reflect back to them that understanding, it's like giving them emotional oxygen.”

It will be like Christmas for others when you can truly share the gift of companionship by listening and sharing the value in others. As you drive down the highway of life, don't forget to go down the country road and say hello to someone who seems like a scarecrow and needs to get off the pole to talk to someone.

By forging attitude in trusting Him, may we see others as He sees us;

Crossword – Fitting Words to Communicate

”We live and breathe words. .... It was books that made me feel that perhaps I was not completely alone. They could be honest with me, and I with them. Reading your words, what you wrote, how you were lonely sometimes and afraid, but always brave; the way you saw the world, its colors and textures and sounds, I felt--I felt the way you thought, hoped, felt, dreamt. I felt I was dreaming and thinking and feeling with you. I dreamed what you dreamed, wanted what you wanted--and then I realized that truly I just wanted you.” ― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

There it is in black and white and your mind is stumped. Little boxed squares with numbers inside. There is a hint for a six letter word going across that is the synonym for excogitate. The first letter is filled in with the letter P going down. Now, sometimes my vocabulary is limited and I would have to look up the word “excogitate.”  If I can deliberate that for a moment, then the word just may populate in my mind.

Have you had the challenge of working with crossword puzzles? I sometimes like them, but I enjoy scrabble. However, you have to have a repertoire of words to pull out of your brain to lay them in a scoring manner. Have you figured out that word yet? Great! Don’t tell anyone, because I will reveal it at the end of this blog to help you out with that crossword puzzle answer.

Words are written sometimes in black and white. Sometimes, things are bold face as we read them. Most of us have the problem reading the fine print. However, what is it about our eyes and mind working together that makes it seem impossible to understand what we are reading. Sometimes it may seem we have selective reading. Our emotions and thoughts are the glasses to how we respond back to that email or text.

One thing I learned about texting while driving is being very careful in what you say. Words have different meanings and sometimes the way you enunciate it into your phone doesn’t always come out the way you expected it to be. Like the time I was at a stop light and spoke into my phone, “I hope you have received my text and I will text you later when I get into the office.” Well, yes, you guessed it… I hit send because the light turned green and I didn’t proof my text message.

In 30 seconds, I received an odd response back to my text.  I looked and busted out laughing. Well, my sent text read, “I hope you received sex and I will see you later, when I gate in 2 the office.” I turned three shades of red that day! Their reply, “Not yet, waiting on you!  (evil grin).”

There are four significant reasons why marriages fail and some relationships fail: communication, finances, children and sex. Therefore, since we already seemed to cover the last topic, let’s get to the core issue to any relationship: communication. Communication is essential and with today’s electronics there is a bigger disconnect in understanding each other due to the lack of face to face intervention.

When I went out to eat there was a family of four sitting at a table at a Mexican restaurant in Broken Arrow. Mom and dad both were on their cell phones and their two children had I-pads, while waiting on their food. Really? I do not see that marriage lasting much longer, when the children get older. These children had to be at least 6 or 8 years of age.

Communication is important and it is equally important to be understood. Expectations thwarts our communication and it leaves you “pondering” over whether or not the other person understood and then feelings get hurt and relationships downgrade from there. How do couples who have been married over 30 plus years make it?

The following is my observation as to why they make it and maybe this will help as a gentle reminder of communicating with others:

1.          Be self-accepting of yourself—be confident in who you are.  This allows the other person to be heard without you interjecting or forcing yourself into the relationship. It allows you to hear and to grasp the opinion of the other person without “the need to be right.” It provides an open table to strive to understand the other person’s viewpoint. When you are not confident often times it can be seen as becoming defensive if someone is providing constructive criticism.

2.           Attitude & emotion —Our emotions can be like the wind and change direction and force at any given time. Being cognitive of our emotional continuum in a difficult situation will facilitate the outcome. Words have power and it is difficult once they are spewed to take them back. Avoid the temptation or retaliating with a quick response. If someone is emotional look past their emotion and listen first. What if this person had a tragic event and they were lashing out? When you have an attitude of patience and have a caring emotion, then you can come to an understanding of how that person is trying to convey themselves at that moment even if they are unable to see it themselves.  Being aware of your own attitude and emotion will help alleviate unnecessary hardship on the relationship by having a crucial conversation and both can learn to understand.

3.           Perception-reception —Learn to ask deeper questions. Clarify the statement instead of taking it at face value. We often think we said one thing and it didn’t come out right. Even though I spoke into my phone it didn’t correctly type out what I wanted to say. I can’t take those words back. Check your perception by the other person’s communication and clarify what they are seeking by being receptive. Even though those words may be hurtful or stressful, be receptive and use words like, “I understand” or “I heard you say.” When we use “I” in understanding it helps the other person know you are listening and validating who they are. Statements like, “You need to do this” or “What have I told YOU about” can be destructive and builds defensive walls.

4.            Respect —By having a respectful attitude, no matter how tough the conversation can be, you can be fruitful within most any dialogue. This means being careful of assumptions you make about the other person. Someone expressed, “You want someone who can return your love and affection. I can’t do that. I have treated you badly and I am not proud of myself.” In a relationship it is better not to assume what the other person wants because sometimes it is based upon your own limitations and thoughts about yourself and projecting that onto the other person. Being respectful is being mindful of your limitations, but allowing that person to communicate their feelings in a healthy manner. Being respectful opens the door to compromise and mediation in order for both sides to be heard and understood.

5.            FEAR-Blame—Unhealthy fear compels people to feel precarious. They don’t trust others or themselves in order to manage difficult conversational situations. Communication can be a power struggle if one feels fearful in having a loss of control over the situation. Then they assign blame. Blame has a brother and sister named regret and shame. This has the intent of instantaneously wanting to reply without understanding the other person. Having a healthy sense of the situation allows you to apologize to others and take responsibility.  This develops a healthy sense of communication which may repair the relationship and through positive action restore the damage.

Communication is difficult. Like a crossword puzzle you can have cross words with others if you are not careful. This leaves a person to “ponder” (excogitate), where they are with you in the relationship. How you think determines how you are able to communicate. You live as you think, therefore, be positive and remember to listen first, and then speak if warranted. Before speaking or putting your words in text, be mindful how your emotion will be asserted. It is important to have the right perception and be receptive because it will make the difference in the person speaking to you. Showing respect to the other person by keeping your fear in check and not blaming will keep the doors to communication open.

It is our attitude that is being forged on the anvil of His hands molding us into something far greater than where we were before. Finally, always let your words be like salt by seasoning and preserving the relationship to last for years to come.  Stephen Covey said it best, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

By Faith (forging attitude in trusting Him)