When you hear the word relationship, what do you picture? Best friends laughing together, parent and child reading together, teenagers hanging out, a couple out to dinner? These are all positive aspects of relationships, but all too often, the negatives are what is seen and experienced day to day. Why is this? Often when relationships are close, over time, each person loses sight of the intrinsic value of the other person.Relationships can be challenging. This is especially true today for the husband and wife relationship, adding children into the mix adds another level of intricacy. Due to the rise in divorce and remarriage, the blended family brings even greater challenges for success. Relationships take giving and receiving. Notice giving is first? The mindset of giving is necessary for success. Giving should not be based on our feelings; we won’t always feel like giving, but the actions of self-sacrifice are part of what makes relationships successful. Remember, when you first started dating, how much you would give to each other? It was a joy, not burdensome. What happens?
Often, in marriages, it is like the melding of two countries, bringing together two people from different backgrounds and blending them into one family. The blending of two individuals is like the mythical creature Hydra. Hydra has several different minds, and blending them into one body can be difficult. When you cut one head off, two more grow in its place. That is divorce--cutting two people apart who then grow into two new blended families.
How do we deal with the Hydra? It is easy if you are in a mythological movie: cut the head off of medusa and be done with it. However, real life situations require consistent and diligent work from both sides. Two people have to be yielding and it starts off by being in love.
The template of how a relationship should progress can be found in the Bible. Solomon offers a glimpse of the dynamics in the growth of a relationship when sharing the story of his beloved. Initially, relationships tend to be possessive and individualistic; Song of Solomon (SS) 2:16, “My beloved is MINE and I am his.” The love and desire ‘to have’ takes place. Selfishness comes in and if not careful, smothering or lost of identity can occur. One yields because of the desire to please the other partner.
When two people begin to realize the relationship is growing deeper, they loosen up the reins. Trust is built and so the possessiveness relaxes somewhat as seen in SS 6:3 “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” When individuals begin to realize they do not have to take and begin to give, the relationship grows into mutual sharing. There is a focus on each other and less on self. Willing to please one another, but still holding onto what is mine. Trust is there, but unwilling to have complete faith, or letting go completely of oneself in loving that other person.
How does it look when couples are individuals and in a loving relationship with each other? Two people must be able to communicate on all levels. Two can be individuals and giving to each other as in SS 8:10, “I belong to my beloved and his desire is for me.” There is no need to take because they each willingly give what the other needs. They can still be individuals, be other-focused, and receive fulfillment within the marriage relationship as well as other relationships. There is a freedom that comes from unselfish, mature love between two people in the marriage relationship.
How do you get there?
Individuals have emotional needs. When emotional needs are not met it can leave one feeling trapped, empty, and unsatisfied, filled with frustration and unhappiness. Emotional needs are the yin and yang of a relationship. Men’s emotional needs include affection, admiration, respect, recreational companionship and honesty. Women’s emotional needs include communication, security, help in the home, honesty and respect. This is where my beloved and desire balance out, therefore, the yin and yang is the heart of a couple’s relationship.
In every relationship there is an ebb and flow, and each person needs to recognize when to give and when to receive. Relationships can become the hydra when the process of the relationship grows backwards: “It is mine and this is what I want you to do.” Individuals lose focus on a common goal and begin to focus on individual goals. This provides the excuse, “We fell out of love.”
What do you do?
The husband will need to realize how to communicate in the language his wife can understand in order for her to be affectionate and meet his needs. The wife needs to provide affection in a way that her husband desires. One word of caution on providing these needs: this does not mean to demote, embarrass, or put down the other partner. It is meant to elevate the other person, to lift spirits, bring joy, to show love, creating a successful relationship. When needs are not met, this leaves room for individuals to seek gratification elsewhere. This is the Hydra; it devours whatever comes in its path to fill the void. This is one of the main reasons why people seek ulterior relationships, cheating the marriage relationship.
How do we deal with the Hydra of relationships?
1. Stay in constant communication. Have deep and meaningful conversation. Discuss whatever is of concern and the activities in your daily life. Think of those conversations from when you first met.
2. Identify each other’s important emotional needs. This does not always have to be a physical need. Support each other. What brings joy to the other person?
3. Learn how to meet the other person’s needs by listening. Support each other through the good and bad times; be willing to be reliable and emotionally available.
4. Do not discuss serious matters after 7pm. You are tired, often less oxygen gets to the brain and rational thinking is decreased setting the stage for discussions to become arguments. Wait if you can, allowing sincerity to be evident your speech.
5. If there is an argument, make sure you didn’t feed yourself a story—have you twisted some of the details or are you missing information? Settle disputes peacefully and forgive. Forgiveness can be a process that takes time if there has been severe damage.
6. Learn to speak your partner’s language to meet needs. Sometimes she wants to be held. Sometimes he wants to be listened too. Keep things private, do not use what is shared as a weapon, this one thing can erode trust and shut down future communication.
7. If you are married, affection and intimacy is a must! A husband must be gentle with his wife. Understand her body; take time to know her on all levels in order to connect with her intimately. Wives need to understand that husbands need to have that physical connection. That is a way for a man to feel loved and connected in a good relationship. This stops the temptation for cheating. Cheating is either: needs not being met or fulfilled, or someone that is selfish that has entered into that relationship and no matter how much needs are met they still want more.
8. Never be selfish. Your wants and needs are equally important as the other person. Mean what you say and say what you mean because actions speak louder than words.
9. For blended families, relationships are challenging because of multiple perspectives, it is important to view the family as one and not two. Decisions need to be discussed and made jointly since everyone is affected.
10. Finally, like a car, an air conditioner, or a house, maintenance is important. The relationship can improve, become healthy and stay healthy. It is important, even when things are going well in the relationship, to check in and say, “wow, it seems we are doing well, is there anything I am missing that I could do better for you?”
Realize you cannot appreciate the things you don’t need. Stop. Take the time to appreciate what you do have. The hydra appears when there is a lack of respect, a lack of appreciation and selfishness growing in the relationship. It is important to keep the lines of communication open, engage in regular ‘heart to heart’ talks. Take the time to ensure your words are seasoned with salt, “a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver” (Prov 25:11); “a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Prov 15:1). Ensure you have your facts before you present your viewpoint. Whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable and if anything is excellent or worth praising then think about these things (Phil 4:8).
May God bless you, in your journey of relationships. You are never alone.
By Faith (forging attitutde in trusting Him)
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