Communication is interesting. A colleague stated, “Most couples who come for counseling suffer from long-term poor communication skills; it is like they speak two different languages.” She makes an interesting comment when dealing with couples or anyone in relational matters.
Are you having those selective hearing moments? Could it be you were done listening before someone else was done talking because you were lost in the communication? In a relationship, often the Rosetta Stone is needed to translate what has transpired.
The dysfunctional communication does not come from the couples speaking two different languages; they have forgotten the integral part their unique communication styles had in bringing them together. Instead of growing together as individuals by relaying their wants, desires, wishes and every day talk they have grown separately, losing focus of the goal of being a couple. They are like two individual sharing the same abode. They have become communicatively lazy, not revealing their thoughts to each other and creating dysfunction. It is interesting to see how cavemen communicated. To view their communication problems we do not have to travel back in time. Cave drawings, an art form, are an expression of their persona. Their communication also included grunts and moans. One doesn't need to travel in time to experience this, your spouse pokes you to get out of bed and you respond with moaning and grunting.
The key to any successful relationship is keeping the communication going. It is not like the game ‘telephone’; where children sit in a circle and you whisper in one ear to the next revealing the spoken word and the last person always seems to get it wrong because it was not relayed correctly. The standard of conversation needs to be maintained so words do not become distorted.
In the beginning, the conversation standards were developed and therefore, created a level of intimacy. Communication deteriorates when, in conversing, couples stop investigating each other. Investigative conversing is not drilling the other person about what they have done or where they have been, but asking questions like, “how was your day,” or “do you still enjoy doing this with me?” We forget the standards and neglect inquiring what the other’s needs might be.
We grow in our maturity at different levels and it is important to investigate each other’s thoughts, ideas, reactions and attitudes. Without investigative conversation you lose focus. CEOs of companies are often asking their board staff for ideas to help the company grow and to achieve its greatest potential. CEOs can inform, but like other individuals, they do not offer personal information. Socrates believes in asking questions to learn and to teach. In relationships, asking provides a genuine curiosity and spark of insight for your spouse’s feelings as they reveal their heart.
Finally, success comes when understanding arises through the information you provide to each other. Informing each other of your ideas, experiences, attitudes, emotional reactions and thoughts encourages couple growth. When you withhold information, conceal or provide inaccurate thoughts you prevent intimacy and a meaningful conversation.
Remember conversation is a two way street. Keep that street clear and avoid being the oncoming traffic, while the other one is speaking. Do not assume they are going straight, when their intention is to turn left. Allow them to reveal themselves as they inform you of their thoughts, so that it does not create a barrier where no u-turns can be made and you wind up in a dead end.
Dead end conversations are done when the undivided attention has gone off course. Like a pilot, they have to focus on their flight pattern and they are intent on what the traffic control is telling them about how and where to land. Use eye contact and repeat what they said so there is clarity is what was heard. Have problems with a child always wanting?
Recognize their need by expressing and repeating what they are wanting. An example would be, “Mommy, I want a cookie.” Mother replies, “I understand you must be hungry because you want a cookie. How about I give you a cookie right after dinner, would you be able to wait until then?” Then follow through with your statement. Otherwise your statement is dishonest and that will create an unrest and disbelief in future communications.
Even with the best of intentions, there are times relationships require the Rosetta stone to bring clarity and understanding. These Rosetta stones are counselors and mediators, who can help get the message through and provide a better understanding on communicating effectively. To be an effective communicator, one must be a good listener followed by the appropriate actions. Walk the talk and not talk the walk.
By Faith (Forging Attitude In Trusting Him)
