When It Hurts - Oh the heartache

 We take a risk when we open our hearts because the truth is, if we open our hearts, we will get hurt. You can't open your heart and not have some hurt because you're in a human experience. Even if it's the love of your life and you have many wonderful, deepening, growing, powerful years together, it's a human experience and that person will pass over. Love takes courage. Be courageous.~Mary Manin Morrissey 

One word; then several flow after it like a running river. The words become like bullets, which strike the heart. The heart is pierced. The pain flows throughout the soul like cancer. The hurt seems nonstop. The throbbing thoughts pulsating and arousing the emotional well of feelings has been tapped by a foreign object.

One event is like a shot gun blast. Every miniscule fragment seems to find its intended target. The heart is struck. Thoughts and feelings like an ocean’s tide drawn by the moon begin to rise. 

You can see it in their eyes; a small rain drop, swelling in the eye like a river overflowing its banks. Then, a tear drop falls slowly and gracefully down the cheek. Is it a sign of weakness?

A mom came and sat down in my office and broke down crying over her boys. “I don’t want my boys to see me upset and me crying” she said. “They don’t need to know how much I am hurting and I have to be strong for them.” I handed her a tissue and she continued with her story. Her son came into the room and wondered what was wrong. Encouraged by the bonding, I gave him a gentle nudge and said, “It is okay; mom loves you.”

One small arm went around her neck. I nodded at her and said to her son, “It’s okay to hug and love your mom.” Both arms wrapped around her neck and no dam could have held back those tears from both of them that day. I was touched by the reunion of a family that was broken by severe abuse.

You’ve been there and sometimes it is a relentless moment. Your tears release the pain so deep within you, which it is hard to bear. You carried a child for nine months and in the breath of the moment of birth, the child lies motionless and there is nothing anyone can do to bring your child back. Tears flow.

Your significant other comes to you with a concerned look. “I can’t do this anymore.” The hand grenade has been delivered. The fragments of those words explode in the mind. Shocked and left numb; it begins to hurt. Thomas Merton stated, "The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt."

Pain. It hurts. Some run from it because it hurts. Some don’t want to deal with it and bury it deep within them. They don’t realize it comes back as depression.  I can’t tell you that the pain you feel will disappear or is never to return. Christians do more harm when they say, “You’ll get past this” or “this too shall pass”, although they mean well, it’s not how you feel at the moment.


Pain is a characteristic of life.  Not everyone has an answer at the present moment. It is hard to step outside of the present moment and look toward what the future may hold. We all run into mortals, who are at different stages in their lives and it is hard to know or meet someone at the same level as you.

How did I get over the pain of finding out I had cancer, a family member’s death, divorce, and painful relationships?  I had hope in trusting my Creator who has a redeeming power to overcome such daunting pain. 

First, understand you’re not alone and do not attempt to try heal alone or find ways to release the pain by seclusion, self-harm or substance abuse. There are people who do love and are concerned about you, even when you feel they don’t. Second cling to hope. If you learn to deal with the pain and cling to hope there is joy around the corner and the healing progress begins. 

For some they relish in the pain because that is all they know. They begin unhealthy dating or marriage relationships because they are accustomed to the familiar of those types of relationships and have not learned how to accept a loving relationship.

Pain is predictable. Love is not. Taking the focus off the problem and the moment of pain, my eyes had to see something different. Talking to close friends was helpful. Having a support group of people who believe in you and can gently walk you through the pain helped the healing process.

Denial is the splinter that digs deep into the heart of the wounded soul. Refusing to acknowledge or avoiding the situation by minimizing the consequences causes the pain to increase. How do you remove such a splinter and heal from the pain?

A final comfort that is small, but not cold: The heart is the only broken instrument that works.~T. E. Kalem

When it hurts, examine what you fear. Write out the experience and identify your beliefs about the situation. Allow yourself to express your feelings and let the tears flow. Emotional pain is a debilitating pain that is not like physical pain. The only way to get rid of the pain is to delve into it.

Making friends with pain seems irrational. Yet, it is healthy way of accepting it and not being afraid of relationships. Think of releasing the pain as a breathing technique. When you breathe in you feel the pain in your heart and when you breathe out you release the suffering from the pain. Breathe in when you feel that is good about you and breathe out the negative thoughts that you are not good enough. 

Don’t be afraid that nothing will change. Begin to shift your focus and understanding that you will be okay. Embrace love even though it seems unpredictable. I had to embrace it and it seemed my pain was not intense. Remember, all the hurt you are feeling is trying to save you from being harmed. The purpose is for us to grow from what we have experienced.

Understand the meaning of hurt. Understand your pain. Once you begin to understand the cause of the pain the more you can grow and less the pain can become. Work with the hurt. There is a hidden message. Learn to ask yourself what you want that is better. Finally, don’t take things personally: by acting constructively, by dealing with the pain, and not destructively by lashing out or ignoring the pain.

Words of wisdom from when it hurts: Are you looking forward in order to understand what to do next, rather than looking back and analyzing who or what to attribute to your hurt?  Sometimes being on His anvil can hurt, but the end result is His redeeming love for us.

The surest way to hurt yourself is to give up on love, just because it didn't work out the first time.~Amanda Howells, The Summer of Skinny Dipping

By Faith -forging attitude in trusting Him

Photography -Mind Developing Thoughts

I can get sad, I can get frustrated, I can get scared, but I never get depressed - because there's joy in my life. - Michael J. Fox

A fog mist looms over the lake this early morning. A small chill can be felt in the air and soft puffy clouds like cotton candy float above. The sun begins to peak above the mountain, like your head peers from the warm covers of a nice cozy warm sleep you awakened fresh and renewed. 

The birds like a morning song begin to bring sounding joy. The waters of the lake ripple an invitation that it holds the depth of richness. A crackling camp fire reminds you of the days of eating Rice Krispy cereal and listening to the sounds of the snap, crackle and pop. 

A picture is worth a thousand words and yet words cannot describe the scenery before the picture is taken. How would you describe yourself?  It is a challenge in understanding what your core belief system is all about.   A selfie of you can express your outer happiness, but what about the closet of your mind where shadows are far greater?

Many patients express to me, “I am a bad person, or I am never good enough.” Negative thoughts are like termites to the mind that tend to eat away at the good core of a person. What is your belief system about yourself? If it isn’t good, then how are you treating those around you? 

It isn’t about the accomplishments, which seem to be significant, but it is the thrashing you have dealt with in your life. It isn’t about suppressing or winning, but it is about how well you have skirmished your mindless thoughts.

Everyone battles a war within because we languish in our past mistakes. Some have voids like potholes in a road in an aching heart, which long to be filled with love, or we compare ourselves to what we do not have and yet wish we had. Some sweep it away and try to block out those memories, relationships in order not to deal with change.

For some we wrestle with struggles like: identity, death, depression, loneliness, mistakes, if we are a good parent and the list is endless, but we have to first be real with who we are in the mirror of truth.  It is judgmental attitudes, those who leave us in silence and never to speak to us again, it is the fear of the unknown, which suppresses our thoughts like a dead body in a coffin buried six feet deep. 

Everyone struggles at one point in time with various things. It is what I feel makes us humble and sometimes these struggles can be the idol of focus. It develops into a pictured thought; we can’t seem to live life like we ought to live life. It is misunderstandings like a sponge we soak in and focus on the negativity rather than the positive. It is easier to draw into the negative, than focus on the positive. 

What if we captivate our thoughts like a camera, which captures a picture? We take that SD card, or film and develop or process that image into a beautiful picture. Our mind is like a camera taking in the scenery as first described within this written script and develops into words and thoughts. 

If we can embrace the pain and understand that is life. We can accomplish something very different and unusual. You rise as a victor to living and not succumb to a sarcophagus of a lifeless life. I’ve been through remarriage and divorce. In my past there was a minister who criticized me, but that didn’t stop my faith. I feel sorry for him and his disparaging words to me. I don't let others decide my fate or place of worship. I developed a healthy boundary of who I allow that is positive to influence my life. 

Bottom line is for you to start living life without judgments holding you back. Embrace pain, learn and live through it, expecting it will happen again. Learning to take the focus off yourself and placing it into a higher power was the hardest lesson for me to learn. Cancer was the pain that brought me to my knees and to dig deeper into trusting in a higher power. He has not failed me and continually blesses me. 

Therefore, take your negative thoughts and don’t miss out on a wonderful relationship. Yes, I’ve been deeply hurt in a relationship.  We all have, but similar to my situation with the one minister, should not stop you from developing a more positive and healthier relationship. 

It is true we are all on different crossroads, but that is why we have people who compliment us to inspire us and lift us up. It is easy to fall into complacency that no one will accept you for who you are. It is easy to project our fears and thoughts onto a person who is uplifting you and not allowing them to be them because you fear change or lack the experience of what a good relationship could develop.

Fighting depression? Battling your belief system? You are not alone. Find that person who inspires you to be better than where you are because life is worth living in a positive manner. One developed thought is the jump start of your altitude. How high are you willing to fly?

Don’t play leapfrog with a unicorn. Embrace fear by writing out the positives and negative by adding healthy boundaries, then develop your thoughts and see if that is worth creating that specific relationship.  You will know soon enough by how the person treats you whether or not that is a positive or negative influence.  

Take your eyes and mind as the camera and focus on what could be a positive moment. Take time and process the “negative/positive” and develop it into a picture worth keeping in your mind. Capture a positive thought and become a positive light embracing future pain and using it to help others. Soon, when you are expressive and confident, you will see you were never alone.

When we fear, it is because we do not have control over the situation. Captivate the moment and express them in positive living affirmed words by looking at truth and not within yourself or by what others express to you. There is greatness to be had, but are you willing to ride the horse called pain? 

Remember, you are not alone, but there is a life worth living if only you would embrace the future and not the past. Your mind is a plethora of photography and you have to learn how to develop those thoughts into a positive way. Life is worth living, when we can develop our core image and casting a positive flash of light captivating those happy relationships.

By faith we forge an attitude in trusting Him!

Blended Thoughts - Cooking a Relationship

“Carve your name on hearts, not tombstones. A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories they share about you.” (Shannon L. Alder) 

My grandmothers had a unique style of cooking, even though they came from different lifestyles and regions. My grandmother in New Mexico made the best Coconut Cream Pie that this tongue has ever tasted. When she knew I was traveling through from Tulsa to Las Vegas four years ago, I had to stop and visit. Yup! She did it; that was the last pie she made for me. I am forever grateful for her love and tenderness, which she poured into the special Coconut Cream pie for me. She is now in an assisted living place in Albuquerque and unable to cook. 

My other grandmother passed away (2012), but I will never forget the smell of her country cooking on the cotton farm around Pyron, Texas. She had a cotton farm started by my grandfather and when he passed away in 1966, her son (my uncle) continues to farm cotton to this day. Yet, I remember the fresh black eye peas she grew, the pinto beans with ham hock, cornbread and homemade peach ice cream. 

These women poured themselves into their recipes and their cooking was loved by all. I was thankful to have learned some of the cooking from both and remember both canning fresh fruit and vegetables. My favorite was dill pickles and prickly pear cactus jelly, Texas style! 

We all love food, but I feel it is love, which can be poured into the cooking that brings out the best taste in food; especially when it is made by loving hands. The food growing up was totally different than the food we have today; but that is not what I want to talk about because it is making me hungry this hour as I write this. 

There are many ingredients that go into food to make something unique and very good to eat. Granted, I don’t like liver. When I went to England there was a plate with good looking meat. I picked it up and ate it. It was so good, I went back to have more. The biggest mistake I made; I asked what it was that I was eating. Cow’s Tongue! I was disheartened and learned I shouldn’t have asked. 

 What are we doing in our life to do something special for someone else? Yes, it is easy to love and admire our family members and eat something fantastic they cooked. Sometimes, not so fantastic, but you still appreciate their thoughtfulness of you not going hungry. 

What type of legacy are you leaving behind? Sure we made mistakes and there are some who will bear grudges against us. When I was diagnosed with cancer and found out that I may not make it in 2014, I found those who I have hurt and contacted them to ask for forgiveness for my mistakes. Whether they forgive or not, it doesn’t bother me anymore. I made my peace and can change who I am for the better. Thankfully, by the grace of my Father, today I am cancer free.

Good cooking sometimes ages with wisdom and experience. Our life can be the same way. How we express ourselves, how we learn from our mistakes to become a better person is most important. Life in a blender can be terrifying. Sometimes getting all mixed up and then poured out is the hard part because change is always difficult for most of us.

It is difficult and challenging sometimes in relationships. Relationships are like cooking. There are two different ingredients coming together and marinating into a family and bake over time. There are friendships, romantic relationships, and child to adult and much more different types of relationships. What are we doing to maintain a healthy relationship? 

Love is the bonding agent to hold the relationship together. It speaks gently and communicates in a manner that presents itself in a way that even in challenging times, the relationship can be mended. Love overlooks a multitude of sins. It is the icing to the cake of the relationship. 

Kindness is the seasoning, which adds flavor to a relationship. Kindness is like salt. It preserves the relationship and ads flavor. Like salt, kindness can be too much; one can be overtly kind. Think of water to a plant. If you over water it, it can suffocate the plant. Water a little at a time. I am still learning this process when it comes to dating relationships. I am genuine in who I am and often forget to process about the other person’s thoughts and feelings. We come from different backgrounds and when starting a new relationship, both will have to consider how to nourish and replenish the relationship. Bottom line, if the person is not hurting and non threatening, then communicate how to develop the relationship and not run from it.

Communication is the mixer, which mixes all the ingredients together. Watch the speed of the blender and how well you mix. Communication is a must in keeping relationships thriving. Do not ignore a situation because you are hurt, even if you are not sure how to express. Allow that other person room to speak for themselves. Controlling a relationship through silence will kill the heart. 

“You are a living magnet. What you attract into your life is in harmony with your dominant thoughts” –Brian Tracy

Finally, the little things are the sides to the main dish you present. Do express your thoughts through your walk. Be who you say you are by the way you walk. Do the little things, whether you send flowers to someone who is having a bad day versus on an anniversary. Both are great, but which speaks volumes? 

Cooking is like relationships. It takes time to develop. However, be true to yourself and let no one put you down. Men and women, NEVER, speak badly about your spouse to others. If there is a challenging matter, do not discuss with others first, without bringing the matter to your significant other first.  Do not discuss your relationship with the opposite sex. You do not know how they feel towards you and that is how divorces happen slowly. No matter how challenging your relationship maybe, speak positive about them.  Be aware of the Love Language of the other person. 

Developing that initial relationship can be challenging. First impressions are false. What if that person didn’t get enough sleep? What if that person was nervous? What if something terrible was going on that day? People are people and everyone deserves a chance. 

People are going to be at different stages in life. Like cooking, some will be mixing, some will be baking, and some will be gathering ingredients, but the bottom line is there is a core commonality: We all love food! Why can’t relationships be the same way? It is how we choose to work out those relationships. Like cooking, finding the right measure of ingredients to make something beautiful is important. Learning to cook together, being patient, having an understanding it isn't about you, it is about the other person that can bake a healthy relationship.

When the blending is done, reflect on the good memories and cherish those. It is easy to focus on the negative memories (like liver) and lash out at those close to you. It is better to express how you feel about the other person (like coconut cream pie), so they will have a positive sweet memory of who you are. We are to touch each other’s lives in a positive moment. Do not question the motive of the kindness behind someone's kindness. 

I feel Ray Bradbury in his book, “Fahrenheit” said it best, “Everyone must leave something behind when he dies, my grandfather said. A child or a book or a painting or a house or a wall built or a pair of shoes made. Or a garden planted. Something your hand touched some way so your soul has somewhere to go when you die, and when people look at that tree or that flower you planted, you're there.

It doesn't matter what you do, he said, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. The difference between the man who just cuts lawns and a real gardener is in the touching, he said. The lawn-cutter might just as well not have been there at all; the gardener will be there a lifetime (pg 451).

Forge a relationship that is meaningful, By Faith we forge our attitudes in trusting Him!

Fear - The Plow To Our Hardened Mind

You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.  ~Mary Manin Morrissey

What does the word fear invoke?  For some it relishes the past as a plow does to a harden ground. The plow toils the memories of the past and brings to the surface what was hidden below. Fear is like a spider that spins a web, which often snares our feelings and feeds on our thoughts until all our energy is zapped from us until we are nothing, but a hollow shell. 

There are literally over a thousand types of phobias. Like the fear of gamophobia, this is a fear of marriage/commitment. There is a phobia name for fear itself. According to Webster, the term fear is “the feeling or condition of being afraid.”  Sometimes our fear paralyzes us in moving forward and takes away opportunities of a rich blessing. 

  Fear cannot take what you do not give it.  ~Christopher Coan

I enjoy watching the movie, “Monsters Inc.”  If you haven’t seen the first movie, let me encourage you to watch it. Fears can stem from childhood and think about those ugly monsters lurking under the bed or in the closets. Movies are big hits on scaring people with their thrillers.  For some, we enjoy the thrill of a scare like haunted houses and on October 31 it becomes the most frightful night that we enjoy the most. It’s because we expect it. We know it is coming. 

I am afraid of heights. Yes, I know I am 6ft and I am tall, but still afraid of heights. I remember, when I was younger, walking with my uncle in the mall on the second floor where the glass railing protected you from falling to the first floor. Yet, he would scoop me up into his arms that would protect me; it was the fear of seeing the first floor from the second, which scared me. I didn’t see him coming to lift me up into his arms and it began my fear of heights. Yes, I admire those who are short because you don’t have far to fall. 

There is the fear being unsuccessful, or the fear of the unknown about our future. We fear the pain of loss and I “fear” we have created the fear of feeling loved. It is a paradox as babies we want to feel close to our parents. Yet, we fear the most important aspect of our life; we fear the feeling of being close to someone. We relish our memories of holding on to “stuff” in order we keep the fear of losing that memory of someone we cherish. For the extreme some become hoarders, but for some of us, like myself, I hold onto my first dog collar that has his rabies tag and engraved name.  He was a very precious dog that I was able to as a child not fear; because he was there to comfort me. 

Fear is an emotion and it is what clenches us from having a foothold of being at our best as a human being. Fear cannot capture what we do not feed it.   Easier said than done, but it can be done if we can only begin to understand the concept to our fear. 

Those that walk with fear will always be too busy hiding. ~Mike Dolan

Our future wears the mask of the unknown and often paralyzes us to move forward. Most of us are hiding within ourselves; like turtles in a shell we remain safe inside where we cannot be touched. Often some state, “God is not here, He can’t help me, but Jeremiah 29:11 says, “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Elijah was fearful and he hid in the cleft of the rock and the Creator showed Himself to Elijah. Fear inhabits our walk and developing our faith of not walking by sight.

The wise man in the storm prays God, not for safety from danger, but for deliverance from fear.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Relationships can be complicated; even relationships where we have been hurt. We want to hide in the negativity of our thoughts and not develop anything positive for the future. Fear becomes like a darkroom. Like old cameras that had film, fear develops the negatives.  Negative thoughts stops our feet from moving forward, even though we can see the light peering through. 

Men have inflicted pain and therefore we become fearful of experiencing pain. Some have inflicted emotional pain, physical pain and it becomes a challenge to move forward in any relationship. Some fear the intimacy because it is too close and feeling vulnerable. 

I’ve been there once in my life through the relationships I have encountered. There was my fear of being rejected, being alone and the fear of not feeling accepted or loved. My fear of being too close all stemmed from relationships where there was pain. It stunted my growth and my focus was on fear. It didn’t allow me to develop. After exposing my fears to the light, I began working on developing wonderful pictures of the moments.  

Fear was no longer my darkroom where I could hide. I embrace fear. Fear is now my friend. It grows my spirit of trusting in the Creator that he has this. Fear, if I let it, robs me of the potential of doing something great. My fear is off myself. I no longer am a victim to the past events, but I emerge from the darkroom with a beautiful picture of what could be because I see potential relationships, which God intended. 

Instead of fearing my past; I had to learn to develop healthy boundaries of self-respect. I had to learn to understand that some of what happened was my own miscommunication and lack of understanding of the person. Emotions can hold us back from enjoying the best relationship that the Creator has intended for us to have with our companions. 

Captivating my thoughts and making them obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5) enabled me to have a voice to scream in prayer to my Creator that He is in control. Our thoughts is not throwing them into the jail of our mind, it is setting them free against the truth of God’s reality and not ours. Total freedom comes from knowing His word demolishes our lies and inaccurate thoughts. 

I taught myself a lie about relationships that no one wants to be close to me and if I let them be close to me they will hurt me. Instead, I had to reevaluate and understand that I teach people how I wanted to be treated. My fear taught others that I didn’t want them to be close to me; but reality I wanted them to be close to me. I had to realize not everyone is the same and when I made a list (using scripture) about who to share my life with, and then the truth was revealed. It is Him who sends the rain, the bows and ultimately our companion as long as we leave the lust of the flesh confined.

Do my thoughts about this person bring me closer to God? Do my thoughts about this person honor God? Surround yourself with those who support those feelings of moving towards God. Ask yourself if that person will help you walk by faith or by sight? 

Learn to listen to words. In 1 Kings 16 Samson’s first words were recorded, “I found a woman” and from there he had woman troubles. Delilah found the source of his weakness because he was weak for a woman he found attractive on the outside and not the inside. 

His word says he has put a light in each of us. It will be revealed. Expose your fears to the light and embrace the unknown knowing you have a Creator that is bigger and can work through the pain you possess. I had to learn to be intimate with God, accept me being wonderfully made in spite of my flaws, and know through prayer He delivers me from Fear. 

Where is your relationship with the creator? Is it damaged because the god of this world invoked pain into your life? The Creator is a parent and like good parents they want the best for their children. Embrace the Father; you will learn to embrace yourself and in return; love will embrace you.  Life is worth living if you do not let fear of past relationships stop you from embracing healthy ones. 

Judy Blume, author: “Each of us must confront our own fears, must come face to face with them. How we handle our fears will determine where we go with the rest of our lives. To experience adventure or to be limited by the fear of it.”   

Father, you are my Light and my Savior, so why should I be afraid of anyone? Lord, you are where my life is safe, so I will be afraid of no one (Psalms 27:1). 

Remember to build your faith on trusting Him. You will be amazed how far you can walk, where you can walk and who is walking by your side. 

By Faith (Forging Attitude In Trusting Him),