A Hard Pill Called - Acceptance (part 2 Rejection)

“A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel, or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at any moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is.” ― Jim Morrison

I wasn’t for sure how to handle changes growing up. My father was in the Air Force and we moved several times and even traveled. I am proud of the fact I was able to live in the Northern part of Japan for three years during my high school years. Since throughout my life, I have been to 26 states, Washington DC (District of Columbia is not a state), and three countries (Japan, France and England).

I am thankful for learning different cultures and different areas of the United States. It was difficult in packing and unpacking, as well as making new friends everywhere I went. The following is from my personal experiences: In the northern part of the states they say, “pop” (South Dakota), in the south some say, “soda” (Oklahoma) and in Texas they say, “Coke”. Three different words, but all used to describe a carbonated flavored drink product.

Some of my cousins were able to grow up most of their life in a rural West Texas town. However, my family moved to different cities in Texas, then to different states and a country. The experiences, to my knowledge, helped me to grow as a person and enabled me to experience different food, music, dialect, and people. In college it helped me to live with different types of people, whether they were Hispanic, Asian, African American, Caucasian, British, male, female, and many different age differences.

We all want to be accepted despite our differences. The tendency is to gravitate towards those who are similar to our interests, sex, color, age, and gender. It is what we are comfortable in being in because we have an idea of what to expect. This is sometimes how clicks are formed and the old saying, “birds of a feather flock together.”

It seems we are becoming more and more of a society that wants the same styles and it can be difficult for someone to be different. Even if their opinion is different, it becomes hurtful to some. It seems some are easily offended because it doesn’t go to their normal status quo of what they are accustomed to in their own life.

I was dating someone who was divorced after 20 plus years from a marriage. Her ex-husband was an alcoholic. Sometimes she expressed she had to walk on eggshells and their marriage lacked the luster it once did.  I had known her for two weeks. She had a bad day at the office and I sent her flowers to brighten her day. “In 20 years I haven’t received flowers and none the less at my office,” she exclaimed to me during our routine phone conversation.

We dated for at least 6 weeks and the bombshell came, “I’m silent because I’m still confused. I could see myself with you very easily. I think I could be happy with you. It’s not someone or anyone else, I know it isn’t fair to you and I will probably regret this, but I think it would be best if I let you go.” It seemed like someone pushed the red button. You know the one that launches nuclear war heads. It is what I call the reject button.


Rejection is a hard pill to accept. The other pill of acceptance is rejection. People become filled with prejudice because they don’t understand other cultures or they are influenced by those around them. It seems we can’t accept someone saying, “pop, soda or coke”. I know that is the extreme, but I hope I am getting my point across.

What about those who are homeless?  Maybe, he became very ill and they garnished his wages and he lost his home. Sometimes it is a lack of education, insufficient knowledge or pride that keeps them from doing better. They have lost hope. Then someone in society chooses to ignore them or shun them and don’t want to help. Why they are homeless: because it is hard to fight back when the system of life presses you down.

Learning to accept the circumstances when you are rejected is difficult to manage. You feel you are a reject because, either you have a scar, different patches of skin color or you’re bullied because you are different. Learning to embrace the unfamiliar and different makes things easier to accept what is happening around you.

It is time to embrace the unfamiliar. The broken. The different. I don’t mean you have to condone what people do. Just accept the differences. Learn to embrace love and not reject it because you have been so used to the normalcy of avoiding the pain. When we embrace pain, embrace the differences, it is easier to accept reality. Live life. Love life. Dance in the rain.

“If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.” ~Pema Chodron

Accepting rejection was a hard lesson for me to learn. However, whether that rejection was from dating, friends in school, or not qualified for a job; I had to learn most judiciousness coming from others were their schemes to circumvent their own uncomfortable feelings. When you discover viewpoints and suppositions instead of judging others, you are able to expand a self-awareness and self-acceptance.

Learn not to reject others. One thing I learned about accepting rejection was evaluating what I was doing to others in my own rejection. Therefore, when you exercise your judgment remember to reflect upon the encounter as a mirror of your mind in order to see a person’s reflection of who they are as a gift and a blessing.

We are born to be different. Things are different to provide a reality. Doesn’t mean we embrace someone who is mean to use. It means we look past our hurt, their hurt and still love them anyways in order for you to be a victor and not the victim of hurt. Soon, they were able to perform on their greatest intellect and sought out the support and counsel they needed.

I remind myself that others are doing the best they are doing despite their given circumstances. I had to learn to avoid personalization of every outcome that I felt rejection. It was important for me to learn that any rejection was unrelated to what I was thinking whether I was good enough or not. Instead of rejecting because of my circumstances, I became more supporting with compassion and encouragement. Stephanie Somanchi, an executive coach, shared, “accepting others begin with accepting ourselves.” She further shared the “disapproval we feel is a reflection of an inner aspect we reject in ourselves. By focusing on self-approval we gain the strength to do what is best first for ourselves, which then dissolves the need to judge others.”

Accept rejection even though it is a hard pill to swallow. I am in the process of writing a blog about being untouchable. However, next week will be the final piece of acceptance. Learning to accept ourselves, even though we feel unlovable because it is often the mixed messages we receive and internalize that makes it a hard pill to swallow. I want to leave you what Shannon L. Alder stated: 

"When you give yourself permission to communicate what matters to you in every situation you will have peace despite rejection or disapproval. Putting a voice to your soul helps you to let go of the negative energy of fear and regret.”

 

By putting our attitude on His anvil we accept others rejection:

A Hard Pill Called - Acceptance (part 1 Change)

“You couldn't relive your life, skipping the awful parts, without losing what made it worthwhile. You had to accept it as a whole--like the world, or the person you loved.” ― Stewart O'Nan, The Odds: A Love Story

I was 17 years old and barely new into Oklahoma. My father transferred air bases from Japan to Tinker AFB in Oklahoma City. What a culture shock, even though I was an American it was hard to adjust back into a fast paced society, where in three years there were many changes, which took place. Ma Bell was broken into different entities. Speed limits on highways changed. It was difficult to accept these changes.

Finding a job was an easy task for me. Burger King was my second job and I was one of their crew trainers. It was fun working in the kitchen and I enjoyed cooking. There was a girl named, Melody, working the upfront counter. Beautiful, sweet, charming and seemed to always catch my attention. I swallowed hard and my heart beat fast and then it happened. “Would you like to go out with me and go to bible study this Wednesday?” I asked. She replied with excitement in her voice and the date was set.

We called each other every night up to the big day. It would be my first date back in the US. I polished up my Tank that my grandparents gave me. Granted it was a 1970 Chevrolet Impala; but I didn’t care because it was special to me because it was my grandfather’s car. I hurried home from school and couldn’t wait till 5:00 PM because we were going out to eat and then to bible study.

I pulled up to her house and her sister carrying her daughter came out of the house. Eyes puffy, tears streaming down her face and the look of shock as if she saw a ghost was on her face. I rolled down my window and I asked, “Is Melody home?” Long silence as she gathered her thoughts and in a quavering voice she answered. “Haven’t you heard” she inquired, “Melody is dead.” My heart ached at the news. I was in disbelief. With a soft spoken voice, “may I ask what happened? I just spoke to her this morning before school.” She tried to hold the tears back and with a crackling over her voice and sobbing, she shared that Melody was killed on a head on collision forty five minutes ago when a truck crossed the median and she was killed instantly. The steering wheel with such blunt force crushed her chest. Now, I appreciate air bags!

When I expressed I would be writing this blog to a friend of mine, she stated, “Acceptance …Yes…. That’s always hard pill to swallow.” Her statement resonated with me. Acceptance is like medication. It is a pill that allows you to heal, even when a devastating blow like I just described, hits you in the face. I could have been bitter and angry about the situation, but I had to accept what happened.

Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves.” ― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

In one of my master’s counseling courses, I remember studying the stages of grief. Dr Kubler-Ross wrote in her book, “It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth -- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up -- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.”  There, do you see it? It is how to accept the blow of changes. It is how to relate to everyone. We are fooled into thinking we are invincible. Reread her quote. See it now? “We have a LIMITED time on earth.”

What a hard pill to swallow. How can you accept someone who just died? How do you accept you have cancer? How do you accept you were terminated from your job? How do you accept you are going to go through a divorce? How do you accept the changes, which is like a blast of flaming heat?

When Dr.Kubler-Ross wrote the statement she expressed to her children to release balloons to celebrate her “graduation” (her death). She expressed acceptance is “living” and “so you do not have to look back and say: “God, how I have wasted my life.”   

What are you holding onto? Anger that only cut’s like a knife? Guilt, which is acid to the heart? How do I accept change?

 I had to recognize nothing is everlasting and “old” things vanish and new things replace it; like the seasons: fall and spring. Second, I had to realize there is a reason for change, even when we do not want it. Melody taught me to embrace change and to value human life. She was my first encounter with a tragic death. Finally, I had to accept change and to embrace it as truth. No hiding from it. No denying it happened.

I stood there looking at the closed casket. The family wanted it to be closed because of the extensive damage she suffered from the wreck. A large framed picture of Melody was at the head of her casket. I quietly said my good byes and placed my hand on the casket, “I’ll see you one day on the other side my friend.”

What do you value? Lao Tzu expressed, “Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”  It is never too late to express to someone how you feel. Forgive those who hurt you. Accept those who want to love you, even when you feel you don’t have room to allow anyone in. Death, where is thy sting?

Accept human life as a vapor. It is only here for a little while. Not to look past people as though you can’t see them; but you value what they put into your life. Acceptance may be a hard pill to swallow and it comes in many forms. I want to end this with a quote from Joanne Harris from her book, “Five Quarters of the Orange”, “I let it go. It’s like swimming against the current. It exhausts you. After a while, whoever you are, you just have to let it go, and the river brings you home.”

 I have two more blogs written, parts 1 and 2. These two blogs address how to accept yourself and then accepting rejection. How well do you accept yourself? How do you accept rejection? Continue next week and by accepting change we place our attitude on His anvil.