Lost Art Communicating - Why Relationships Fail

Among men and women, those in love do not always announce themselves with  declarations and vows. But they are the ones who weep when you're gone. Who miss you every single night, especially when the sky is so deep and beautiful, and the ground so very cold.- Alice Hoffman


Communication is interesting. A colleague stated, “Most couples who come for counseling suffer from long-term poor communication skills; it is like they speak two different languages.” She makes an interesting comment when dealing with couples or anyone in relational matters.

Are you having those selective hearing moments? Could it be you were done listening before someone else was done talking because you were lost in the communication? In a relationship, often the Rosetta Stone is needed to translate what has transpired.

The dysfunctional communication does not come from the couples speaking two different languages; they have forgotten the integral part their unique communication styles had in bringing them together. Instead of growing together as individuals by relaying their wants, desires, wishes and every day talk they have grown separately, losing focus of the goal of being a couple. They are like two individual sharing the same abode. They have become communicatively lazy, not revealing their thoughts to each other and creating dysfunction. It is interesting to see how cavemen communicated. To view their communication problems we do not have to travel back in time. Cave drawings, an art form, are an expression of their persona. Their communication also included grunts and moans. One doesn't need to travel in time to experience this, your spouse pokes you to get out of bed and you respond with moaning and grunting.

The key to any successful relationship is keeping the communication going. It is not like the game ‘telephone’; where children sit in a circle and you whisper in one ear to the next revealing the spoken word and the last person always seems to get it wrong because it was not relayed correctly. The standard of conversation needs to be maintained so words do not become distorted.

In the beginning, the conversation standards were developed and therefore, created a level of intimacy. Communication deteriorates when, in conversing, couples stop investigating each other. Investigative conversing is not drilling the other person about what they have done or where they have been, but asking questions like, “how was your day,” or “do you still enjoy doing this with me?” We forget the standards and neglect inquiring what the other’s needs might be.

We grow in our maturity at different levels and it is important to investigate each other’s thoughts, ideas, reactions and attitudes. Without investigative conversation you lose focus. CEOs of companies are often asking their board staff for ideas to help the company grow and to achieve its greatest potential. CEOs can inform, but like other individuals, they do not offer personal information. Socrates believes in asking questions to learn and to teach. In relationships, asking provides a genuine curiosity and spark of insight for your spouse’s feelings as they reveal their heart.

Finally, success comes when understanding arises through the information you provide to each other. Informing each other of your ideas, experiences, attitudes, emotional reactions and thoughts encourages couple growth. When you withhold information, conceal or provide inaccurate thoughts you prevent intimacy and a meaningful conversation.

Remember conversation is a two way street. Keep that street clear and avoid being the oncoming traffic, while the other one is speaking. Do not assume they are going straight, when their intention is to turn left. Allow them to reveal themselves as they inform you of their thoughts, so that it does not create a barrier where no u-turns can be made and you wind up in a dead end.

Dead end conversations are done when the undivided attention has gone off course. Like a pilot, they have to focus on their flight pattern and they are intent on what the traffic control is telling them about how and where to land. Use eye contact and repeat what they said so there is clarity is what was heard. Have problems with a child always wanting?

Recognize their need by expressing and repeating what they are wanting. An example would be, “Mommy, I want a cookie.” Mother replies, “I understand you must be hungry because you want a cookie. How about I give you a cookie right after dinner, would you be able to wait until then?” Then follow through with your statement. Otherwise your statement is dishonest and that will create an unrest and disbelief in future communications.

Even with the best of intentions, there are times relationships require the Rosetta stone to bring clarity and understanding. These Rosetta stones are counselors and mediators, who can help get the message through and provide a better understanding on communicating effectively. To be an effective communicator, one must be a good listener followed by the appropriate actions. Walk the talk and not talk the walk.

By Faith (Forging Attitude In Trusting Him)

Needy Needs Needed

Without a sense of caring, there can be no sense of community.”

-Anthony J. D’Angelo

“Daddy, I need that new pair of shoes.” “Mommy, I need you to tuck me in.” “Honey, I need more affection.” “Sweetheart, I need you to really listen to me.” “I need you to finish that project by Friday.” “We need you to support our foundation to feed the hungry.” “The President needs to step down from his office.” “I need a vacation.” “I need sleep.”

Needs, they are everywhere. Populate one need and it is like opening a can of worms. Your needs will vary from time to time. In 1943 Maslow offered a theory that encompasses a hierarchy of needs. He suggested that our desire to satisfy a need comes from a motivating force. This is true whether it is the physical need of survival or the psychological need of appreciation. There are two ways our needs can be met, stimulating or satisfying them.

Put two needy individuals together and it can be explosive, like two atoms colliding. In relationships, needs are typically met. Problems occur when both individuals focus solely on their needs thereby colliding without yielding. This produces arguments. In a healthy relationship, both individuals willingly recognize the other’s needs and desire to meet them.

God created humans with a need for companionship that is satisfied in different ways for women and men. The connection each one desires originates from different needs. Women feel connected when their need to be listened to has been validated through a man’s actions. A man feels connected when his needs for intimacy and affection are met. This is part of the reciprocal relationship that brings about growth and bonding within the relationship: when he feels connected, he is able to communicate the love the woman needs to feel and vice versa. Communication is the key to satisfying each other’s needs.

The need to communicate is essential to any relationship. Are you fearful in initiating a crucial conversation that is vital to the relationship? Consider your motives: are you interested in the best outcome for you, the other person and the relationship? How can you best present the conversation? Consider the wording, is it offensive or ambiguous? Maybe the receiver does not understand the communicator. Either way, effective communication is necessary to safely bring the need to the center of the relationship where together it can be wonderfully played in satisfaction.  

Distinguish between needs and wants and you will be surprised how much you really are in need. We create the flow of life by our choices and the actions we take that describe the pursuit of our desires. It is the successes that you relate to and fulfillment is often not realized because you are looking for fulfillment when you are chasing success. Material needs are essential to living. The way to deal with a need is to step back and control the surge it presents and the fruits it promises.

How can you handle a need? Think of it as a boat. Your oars are your values that have positive and negative values. When you balance your rowing on your journey, sensing life’s current then your ethical balance will determine the outcome of meeting your need and providing the happiness of a satisfied need. Often satisfying and identifying a need can become a blur and it seems the same. Therefore, how do you distinguish between a want and a need? 

First, identify what is necessary in your life. Start with the basics such as water, food and shelter. Recognize that when you are desperate, you would do anything to meet that need. Like stranded in the desert, you will seek shelter, food and water to exist. When not desperate, often our budget is a determining factor as to what are the necessities to provide comfort in satisfying our needs.

Next, what are your secondary needs? Transportation is a secondary need because in order for you to keep your job you will need reliable transportation. Some places do not have great public transportation and often one is required to purchase a vehicle. Secondary needs are items like a type of clothing you will need in order to dress according to your job's standards. These are not basic needs, but secondary needs.

Finally, everything else is a want. Wants are not needs and there are different levels of wants. Some are on the borderline of a need. For example, you want a new computer because the one you have is slow and outdated. You rationalize that a newer computer would not crash or be as slow in getting your work done. This could be on the border of a need because it might assist you in your job.

In relationships, it’s imperative that we have our basic needs met. We have the desire to be touched and history has proven that a lack of touch can be a result in death. We need to be honest with ourselves and it requires valuable skills. The best relationships are where each person can give and take. Notice giving should be first when meeting a person's need, yet also be receptive. We are swimming in advertisements which advise people what they do and do not need. Needs in a relationship is maintenance. You want a maintenance free relationship then that requires you to be a hermit. Bottom line is to be honest in expressing your needs to others and does your neediness choke the other person who is needier than you are?

Sally Cunnech in Leadership magazine illustrates the importance of giving attention to needs, not just to numbers. She wrote, “During World War II, economist E.F. Schumacher, then a young statistician, worked on a farm. Each day he would count the 32 head of cattle, then turn his attention elsewhere. One day an old farmer told him that if all he did was count the cattle, they wouldn’t flourish. Sure enough, one day he counted 31; one was dead in the bushes. Now Schumacher understood the farmer: you must watch the quality of each animal. ‘Look him in the eye; study the sheen of his coat. You may not know how many cattle you have, but you might save the life of one that is sick.’”

Study your needs so that you may not find yourself wanting. To be content in all things is the key to peacful and joyful living no matter your circumstances.
By Faith (Forging Attitude In Trusting Him)

Heart of a Child - Feeling Safe by Losing Control

Happy is he who still loves something he loved in the nursery: He has not been broken in two by time; he is not two men, but one, and he has saved not only his soul but his life. ~G.K. Chesterton


Gentle warmth brings a spring breeze across the open waters as the waves of the ocean crash upon the rocks. The spray is refreshing and you are captivated by the colors in the sky. The sun sets like a child snuggling under the covers; as night falls the sun is ready to take some much needed rest. You stand in awe of the sunset, whether it is at the ocean, in the mountains or in the plains. This awe is a gentle reminder of what a child’s heart is like. I often wonder about the heart of a child.

Do you wait and often wonder when that break will come for a second chance? Why is it hard to forgive others when you are wronged? There are many devices which can help aid the heart to beat. Miracles abound to save a life through medical science. There are transplants that can sustain life. Defibrillators can shock the human heart back into rhythm and machines can perform CPR without the use of human hands. However, is there a transplant than can renew the spiritual heart to that of a child?

Where do you find the heart of a child? The heart of a child fascinates me. When children are wronged by a playmate, they quickly forgive and are out playing in the streets with each other. Do you have the pure desire to change where you are now, to embrace the child’s heart? Are you caught up concentrating on things you wish you had?

The heart pumps your attitude into an altitude where your mind determines how far you want to fly. It is easy to slip into the thoughts that stop you from reaching your full potential. Life says you are a disappointment or that you will not amount to anything, and you stop short. It is easy to focus on things you are not thankful for and things you do not understand, wondering how you will manage and if you get through.

Being patient might be the hardest thing. Trust comes easy for children, but as an adult you want control, exerting the power that enables you to feel that you can accomplish and do anything. Sometimes change offers the best solution in giving up control.

When you attempt to control life, it stifles the heart like an aneurysm before a heart attack. There is no longer harmony in encouraging and advocating liveliness. It cuts off vital oxygen needed to live. Control produces stress much like bad cholesterol where too much can cause a stroke. When you resist change rather than embrace it, you lose heart on the things that can motivate you into liveliness. That is the heart of a child. Children enjoy laughter and encouragement, and they enjoy thriving and learning new things.

Look at life from a child’s eyes. Imagine if you could borrow them just for one day, and look at the mysteries this world has to offer. Embracing change is liberating, it keeps you from being controlled by life’s demands. Control is an illusion which does not allow you to grow. Controlling can cause major setbacks and those are the greatest lessons for future growth. However, is it really about controlling? Over-controlling can kill the things around you.

What do you have when you feel you are in control? You feel security. There is a need for all humans to feel secure. When you do not have security you over compensate and struggle. Therefore, control is not the issue; the issue is the need to feel secure. Wanting control is a desperate measure to stipulate for something which will make you feel secure.

Think of control and security in this matter. I was in the United States Criminal Investigations command unit and we were preparing for our next mission. We were prepping to guard dignitaries and they rented a car similar to the ones we would be driving. The instructor was sitting in the front and teaching us how to do maneuvers in case of an attack. Control for me would have been nice at this point and time (too much whiplash). There were times that I wanted to take control of the car, but I didn’t when it was not my turn to learn. Would I have learned anything, if I demanded to take control? No, and the instructor or others that were with us in the car would not either. Control is not what I really wanted or needed because security was the real issue. I wanted to feel safe. I wanted my partners in the car to be safe.

When something new challenges you, the unknown and uncharted territory can be frightening. This is where the need to feel secure is necessary. It was never about control in the car, it was about feeling safe. No one was hurt and we all were able to drive with excellent precision, felt secure and in control.

The heart of the matter is learning how to feel secure when you feel out of control. Often times it is our need for self-protection that can keep us from having good relationships, even with the Father in Heaven. Sometimes you can feel oppressed in your security (Isa 38:14); but the key is finding peace in stillness (Ps. 46:10) in understanding that He is your fortress (2 Sam 22:33).

My heart had to change from needing control to needing to feel secure. When you work hard in achieving, you believe you have to protect that achievement and feel you have “earned” that right; you can suffer pain and hurt those around you because you are living by faith in yourself as the source of security. Sometimes feeling secure is avoiding risk and we say, “I do not want to talk about it” in order to self-protect from being wounded. This is where you have to be honest with yourself and ask, do you feel safe and secure or do you have the need to over-control?

You have the power to control in a healthy manner by “walking on water” like Peter. However, it is when you are threatened, like Peter was when he walked on the water, when you give up the control to feel secure. You will make a mistake, you may disappoint someone, but the bottom line is learning to transform your heart into that of a child and learn to feel secure. Children do not have to give up control in order to feel security in the hand of their parent leading them to a new place. It is that heart, H(armonious) E(ncouragement) A(dvocates) R(enderable) T(hrive) that motivates change, allowing you to enjoy security in the beating of your drum.

By Faith (Forging Attitude In Trusting Him)

Stone Faced

Knowing  your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people - Carl Jung

Ever been to England, France or China where magnificent architecture is built with stones? A stone by itself is just a stone, but when assembled with others, what a wonderful view to be admired. What else can mankind do with rocks? Create modern buildings, bridges, jewelry and tools?

When I lived in Rapid City, South Dakota, rocks were fascinating. A man created Mt. Rushmore by carving the presidents’ faces out of stone. In a mineralogy class, I learned about rock types and created wonderful jewelry pieces; there are three basic types of rocks.

Igneous rocks are crystalline solids that are formed directly from cooling magma; some are granite, pumice, and basalt. Sedimentary rocks are layers of debris that has been compacted and cemented together because they are a result of accumulation of small pieces broken from pre-existing rocks; some are limestone, reefs, and coal. Metamorphic rocks are rocks that have been changed by temperature and pressure and include slate, diamonds and marble.

A friend of mine posted and with her permission this is her story with modification:

“I had a nice long talk with my mother the other night. Ok, I'll admit it was long, but not really nice. The older she gets, the more emotional and close-minded she gets, so our conversations usually consist of her telling me what I need to improve on and that my liberal opinions on religion are going to send me and my kids to hell.

Anyway, I know this woman and I love her dearly. She has the best of intentions. But while she worries about my hand-clapping soul, I worry about her judgmental soul. I told her I needed my faith to be my own, of which she understands, but she also is convinced I am headed down that liberal path.

Our conversation lasted about 2 hours, most of which I was silent because 1) I don't want to hurt her and 2) I am convinced my words will not make a difference in her way of thinking. Am I giving up on reaching her? Pretty much; my question is: what do you think is the biggest mover of hearts? What touches people who are made of stone? What gets through to them? Words aren't the answer in this situation.”

Humans are similar to rocks. Some can be hard stone faced. Either way, a question was asked: What touches people who are made of stone?  What gets through to them?  Words aren't the answer in this situation.

Dealing with people who seem to be made of stones can be rather difficult.  Even individuals that have problems can be difficult.  Even the Disciples of Christ had problems and came to Jesus and asked why they could not cast a demon out.  Jesus replied, only this kind takes prayer and fasting (Mark 9:28-29).

Sometimes prayer avails much when we pray for someone. Yet, it is how we pray for someone that determines what can happen. What if you prayed in this manner, “please soften my heart, so that I can see into that other person’s heart, in order for there to be a peaceful relationship between us?”  You also have to believe in your prayer.

It is a challenge when working with difficult people. Christ was the answer to how he dealt with them, but he knew mans' hearts. That should not stop us. Christ said to be shrewd like snakes and gentle like doves. It takes wisdom when handling those whom most difficult for us. My parents, for example, haven't spoken to me, but that is their choice; we feel sad that they are losing out. However, could it be a blessing for me to heal and to provide great therapy to those who are hurting? God has ways for us to step back and look at the overall picture.

Christ is the masterful craftsman that can touch people made of stone. Could Judas have been made out of stone with the intent he was set out to do? If you look at the disciples, each one is a broken person. The church is made up of broken people coming together, being made whole in Christ so they can reach out to others who are wounded.

Often, stones are good to look at but difficult to reshape. That is why this kind can only be done through prayer, allowing the Potter to soften the stone.  Kindness is what can get through to them. Kindness is like water that pours over the rock, which, over time can slowly erode the hard surface. Ever crack open a rock and find it was hollow inside? Sometimes stones need to be filled on the inside; so why not fill them with kindness? Words are the answer to this situation.

Words in prayer and being able to use the prayer like water through kindness, but most of all it is actions.  At times people like to stir up strife and accuse others because they are hurt. There may be times when you need to call it like it is or take a step back or even approach them with kid gloves. Determine what kind of stone they are. Are they marble and unreachable? Are they limestone or sand stone that is fragile when handled roughly? Maybe they are a gem stone ready to be discovered and just need the polishing touch to shine or be put to good use.


How do you use the stones to build the bridge in a relationship?

1.      Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. When you react to stone cold negativity, then you are allowing your inner space to be disturbed by creating mental pain within yourself.

2.      It is not about you, it is about them. When others create that stone face, it is a reflection of their inner being and it is projected onto you. It is not personal; why do you take it personally?  It is the ego, which partakin fellowship of problems and conflicts. It is the sinking ship syndrome that they want to take you down with them in their boredom or unhappiness. Some are willing to seek out that attention because that is the only attention they know how to receive.

3. To soften the stone, use forgiveness. Forgiveness is like water; when sincere, through change of behavior, it can get into the crevices and erode away the roughness of their thoughts.

4. Be a jeweler that can look at something in the raw. Look past the person and see what the underlying cause could be. Could it be they had a rough childhood and this is their response? Maybe, their religious belief system causes them to react without having researched further truth? Therefore, ask these questions, “If I do not respond, what is the worst possible result?”or “If I do respond, what is the worst possible result?” These can add perspective into the situation.


5. Finally, do not strike against the rock in anger; speaking to the rock can get more results.


Sometimes life has dealt a crushing blow and some stone faces have not learned to shine like a diamond from the coal state. Which are you: a piece of coal ready for others to use or are a diamond ready to be put to good use? Diamonds are the hardest of stones, able to shape other stones. Depends if you allow your flaws to shine through, or you allow others to show you off. Have a heart of gold and do not get stoned!


By Faith (Forging Attitude In Trusting Him)

Hydra relationships

When you hear the word relationship, what do you picture? Best friends laughing together, parent and child reading together, teenagers hanging out, a couple out to dinner? These are all positive aspects of relationships, but all too often, the negatives are what is seen and experienced day to day. Why is this? Often when relationships are close, over time, each person loses sight of the intrinsic value of the other person.

Relationships can be challenging. This is especially true today for the husband and wife relationship, adding children into the mix adds another level of intricacy.  Due to the rise in divorce and remarriage, the blended family brings even greater challenges for success. Relationships take giving and receiving. Notice giving is first? The mindset of giving is necessary for success. Giving should not be based on our feelings; we won’t always feel like giving, but the actions of self-sacrifice are part of what makes relationships successful. Remember, when you first started dating, how much you would give to each other? It was a joy, not burdensome. What happens?

Often, in marriages, it is like the melding of two countries, bringing together two people from different backgrounds and blending them into one family. The blending of two individuals is like the mythical creature Hydra. Hydra has several different minds, and blending them into one body can be difficult. When you cut one head off, two more grow in its place. That is divorce--cutting two people apart who then grow into two new blended families.

How do we deal with the Hydra? It is easy if you are in a mythological movie: cut the head off of medusa and be done with it. However, real life situations require consistent and diligent work from both sides. Two people have to be yielding and it starts off by being in love.

The template of how a relationship should progress can be found in the Bible. Solomon offers a glimpse of the dynamics in the growth of a relationship when sharing the story of his beloved. Initially, relationships tend to be possessive and individualistic; Song of Solomon (SS) 2:16, “My beloved is MINE and I am his.” The love and desire ‘to have’ takes place. Selfishness comes in and if not careful, smothering or lost of identity can occur. One yields because of the desire to please the other partner.

When two people begin to realize the relationship is growing deeper, they loosen up the reins. Trust is built and so the possessiveness relaxes somewhat as seen in SS 6:3 “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” When individuals begin to realize they do not have to take and begin to give, the relationship grows into mutual sharing. There is a focus on each other and less on self. Willing to please one another, but still holding onto what is mine. Trust is there, but unwilling to have complete faith, or letting go completely of oneself in loving that other person.

How does it look when couples are individuals and in a loving relationship with each other? Two people must be able to communicate on all levels. Two can be individuals and giving to each other as in SS 8:10, “I belong to my beloved and his desire is for me.” There is no need to take because they each willingly give what the other needs. They can still be individuals, be other-focused, and receive fulfillment within the marriage relationship as well as other relationships. There is a freedom that comes from unselfish, mature love between two people in the marriage relationship.

How do you get there?

Individuals have emotional needs. When emotional needs are not met it can leave one feeling trapped, empty, and unsatisfied, filled with frustration and unhappiness. Emotional needs are the yin and yang of a relationship. Men’s emotional needs include affection, admiration, respect, recreational companionship and honesty. Women’s emotional needs include communication, security, help in the home, honesty and respect. This is where my beloved and desire balance out, therefore, the yin and yang is the heart of a couple’s relationship.

In every relationship there is an ebb and flow, and each person needs to recognize when to give and when to receive. Relationships can become the hydra when the process of the relationship grows backwards: “It is mine and this is what I want you to do.” Individuals lose focus on a common goal and begin to focus on individual goals. This provides the excuse, “We fell out of love.”

What do you do?

The husband will need to realize how to communicate in the language his wife can understand in order for her to be affectionate and meet his needs. The wife needs to provide affection in a way that her husband desires. One word of caution on providing these needs: this does not mean to demote, embarrass, or put down the other partner. It is meant to elevate the other person, to lift spirits, bring joy, to show love, creating a successful relationship.  When needs are not met, this leaves room for individuals to seek gratification elsewhere. This is the Hydra; it devours whatever comes in its path to fill the void. This is one of the main reasons why people seek ulterior relationships, cheating the marriage relationship.

How do we deal with the Hydra of relationships?

1.       Stay in constant communication. Have deep and meaningful conversation. Discuss whatever is of concern and the activities in your daily life. Think of those conversations from when you first met.

2.       Identify each other’s important emotional needs. This does not always have to be a physical need. Support each other. What brings joy to the other person?

3.       Learn how to meet the other person’s needs by listening. Support each other through the good and bad times; be willing to be reliable and emotionally available.

4.       Do not discuss serious matters after 7pm. You are tired, often less oxygen gets to the brain and rational thinking is decreased setting the stage for discussions to become arguments. Wait if you can, allowing sincerity to be evident your speech.

5.       If there is an argument, make sure you didn’t feed yourself a story—have you twisted some of the details or are you missing information? Settle disputes peacefully and forgive. Forgiveness can be a process that takes time if there has been severe damage.

6.       Learn to speak your partner’s language to meet needs. Sometimes she wants to be held. Sometimes he wants to be listened too. Keep things private, do not use what is shared as a weapon, this one thing can erode trust and shut down future communication.

7.       If you are married, affection and intimacy is a must! A husband must be gentle with his wife. Understand her body; take time to know her on all levels in order to connect with her intimately. Wives need to understand that husbands need to have that physical connection. That is a way for a man to feel loved and connected in a good relationship. This stops the temptation for cheating. Cheating is either: needs not being met or fulfilled, or someone that is selfish that has entered into that relationship and no matter how much needs are met they still want more.

8.       Never be selfish. Your wants and needs are equally important as the other person. Mean what you say and say what you mean because actions speak louder than words.

9.    For blended families, relationships are challenging because of multiple perspectives, it is important to view the family as one and not two. Decisions need to be discussed and made jointly since everyone is affected.

10.       Finally, like a car, an air conditioner, or a house, maintenance is important. The relationship can improve, become healthy and stay healthy. It is important, even when things are going well in the relationship, to check in and say, “wow, it seems we are doing well, is there anything I am missing that I could do better for you?”

 Summary

Realize you cannot appreciate the things you don’t need. Stop. Take the time to appreciate what you do have. The hydra appears when there is a lack of respect, a lack of appreciation and selfishness growing in the relationship. It is important to keep the lines of communication open, engage in regular ‘heart to heart’ talks. Take the time to ensure your words are seasoned with salt, “a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver” (Prov 25:11); “a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Prov 15:1). Ensure you have your facts before you present your viewpoint. Whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable and if anything is excellent or worth praising then think about these things (Phil 4:8). 

May God bless you, in your journey of relationships. You are never alone.

By Faith (forging attitutde in trusting Him)

New Beginnings- 2012

Each new day is a blank page in the diary of your life. The secret of success is in turning that diary into the best story you possibly can.” I wish you Happy New Year and diary full of best stories ever written in your life.~Douglas Pagels
The first words from a baby are crucial to parents. The anticipation of wondering if the baby will say, “ma-ma” or “da-da” can make parents anxious with happiness.  The nervous gentleman waiting for the right moment and whirls around with a rock in his outstretched hand and proposes to his love of his life.  Graduating from high school or getting your driver’s license is a high mountain feeling.  Feelings are great when our thoughts can align with events that impact us in a positive way.

Many will begin today making New Year’s resolutions. Some will continue the same path. A year’s end of events provides cause to celebrate and live it up in style to bring in the New Year.

Start this year off in thankfulness. This can set the motion in gear for a positive outlook. Being able to look at the positive rather than the negative can help you understand things better .

Things to help out:

1.       Break some of those bad habits. It could be you are not ready for a commitment.

2.       Make a commitment that will enable you to take action.

3.       Do not be afraid to make a mistake, this provides growth and lessons learned which can build a better future.

4.       If you keep doing the same things as last year where will you be next year? Master your skill and begin something new. Small goals are the building blocks for a long term goal.

5.       Be specific, rather than making general statements, to make goals reachable. Instead of saying, “My New Year’s Resolution” or “goal” is losing weight (general statement), become proactive and make that commitment through specific statements.  Say it and then live it, “I am going to lose 4 pounds each month and walk for 35 minutes 3 times a week.” This specific statement will become something you commit too, and actually begin working towards a goal that is attainable.

6.       Find a friend, a church, or a positive support than help you be accountable and able to release negative energy with a positive listening attitude that can help coach you in the right direction.  Daily support that can provide encouragement and constructive feedback will maintain the course you are wanting.

7.       Practice and keep at it for at least 21 days. Typically, it takes 21 days to create a new habit. In the beginning you have to force yourself, but towards the end it becomes easier. Before you know it, you have established a new regime that will help maintain your goal.

How do I go about making this New Year successful?  Prayer first,  knowing that I cannot guide my steps and my faith has to be in Him that blesses me and enables me to be better than where I was previously.  Second, by staying on course with friends and family on the future and not regretting things of the past will allow room for forgiveness of yourself and others.  Learning to be true to myself and being careful of the lies that I might tell myself, will help me reach the goal.  Finally, I realize that God is my pilot, Christ is my co-pilot, the Spirit is the navigator and I am a steward in this life serving those who are around me. When we focus on life outside of ourselves it opens a whole new world.

May you be blessed this 2012 New Year.

By Faith, (Forging Attitude In Trusting Him)