Do you have the racoon syndrome?

“It's strange indeed how memories can lie dormant in a man's mind for so many years. Yet those  memories can be awakened and brought forth fresh and new, just by something you've seen, or something you've heard, or the sight of an old familiar face.” ~ Wilson Rawls, Where the Red Fern Grows

While growing up there was a favorite book as a child I would like to read; entitled, “Where the Red Fern Grows.” It is about a young boy, named Billy and his two coon dogs “Old Dan & Little Ann”.  Billy became excited to go hunting with his two new coon dogs and sought advice from his grandfather on how to trap a coon. His grandfather taught him an old trick by using a bit and a brace. 

The coon would slide his hand inside the brace in order to pick up something reflective (like a piece of metal).  The coon would clasp his fist around the metal and would not let go as it tried to pull it out of the brace. The coon was relentless on not letting it go, therefore causing itself to be snared. 

Sometimes as humans we are similar to the raccoon. We want to hold onto what seems “attractive” and later on it seems to plague us. In my own correspondence with others, I have come to a conclusion, even within my own journey in life, that humans have a tendency to hold onto things, which are not healthy. 

I am not writing about a physical disorder called, “hording”.  A Hording Disorder is someone who never throws anything away because there is some attachment to the object. Things collect and can become a health risk. To them it is something with meaning and to the outsiders, it is seems as useless trash. 

The mind is similar to hording and it can become an unhealthy mind. This is what I would like to refer to as, “mind hording” of specific events, words, actions, guilt, shame, remorse, feelings, trauma to which becomes unhealthy attachments into the mind.  At times it is very difficult to accept or embrace the changes we encounter or the fear of encountering. It takes a lot of strength and energy to hold onto something and not letting it go. We lose time and quality relationships by holding onto what are not productive situations. 

In my personal experience, I conveyed a thought and I did not know the effect of my communication to an ex-spouse, until three years later. It was revealed to me in a discussion, which turned into an argument, that she harbored the words and the statement for years and did not talk to me about the hurt she felt. When I conveyed my statement in a different way, it made sense to her and she relinquished the ill feelings she had harbored for so long. The thoughts that were held for those three years affected the attitudes in both of us. 

Letting go is a very difficult challenge. It is like a raccoon becoming snared in the box because it wants the shiny object and with a closed fist, it can’t pull its hand out of the snare. Often we can find ourselves trapped in relationships because we fear the unknown. Often we want to hold onto what hurts us as a self-defense mechanism to keep others at bay. Words, events, actions of others can be like shiny objects; never wanting to let go of the familiar. When we embrace change, accept what could or may not happen, then only then will we be strengthened by understanding it takes letting go of the emotional attachments. 

There is an option to take to free oneself of the destructive thoughts, grudges, resentments, so that it isn’t manifested through attitudes, which are projected onto others. I feel there are two keys to a better sense of a healthy mind.  It is something I learned after years of holding onto resentment of loved ones, which stemmed from my childhood and teen-age years. I had to let go through forgiveness. It improved the relationship and it allowed me to be free and through attitude, too see them in a different perspective, which allows me to be happier. 

First key is forgiving. It does not mean to erase your past or to forget. It doesn’t mean the other person will change their behavior, but it means you are letting go and clearing the mind to allow positive thoughts to flow. The second key is communicating. Communicate with your self, by thinking through things clearly and then communicating with the other person your thoughts and feelings. 

Figure out how you could have been partially responsible for what occurred. Could it have been prevented and can it be in the future? It isn’t accepting all the blame or taking responsibility from the other person; it is a mind process to allow positive thinking instead of negative thinking. This process allows one to realize we are not a victim, but a participant in life, which can help make one a victor. 

Letting go means you cannot control the actions of others; only you have control over your thoughts and actions. Letting go means to quit reliving the hurt by rehashing past events and languishing over the “could have”, the “only –if”, and the “should have” events. There is a power to move on, but it takes exercise of the mind to the will of forgiveness. 

It is easy to say let go. I know I have heard it all my life and sometimes resented others for telling me to let go. The realization which helped was not in the words itself of letting go, but the confusion of how to let go. It was unfamiliar territory for me. Having been taught on how to hold onto things because of sentimental value or wanting to hold onto things because of past memories was easier (familiar). 

Instead, these things were tearing me up and being projected onto others. I had to understand, there can be miss communication at times. I had to learn how to exercise of letting go. I had to think of all my problems and realize I needed to change. I thought about the pros and cons of how it affected the relationships, the pain the problems caused, are my thoughts stopping me from pursuing what I wanted.  Then I had to look at communicating my thoughts because they were sometimes wrong in my perceptions and had to make amends and then forgiving myself and others.

Letting go means you recognize the pain and it will take time to heal. There has to be commitment to change. Step outside of the comfort and the blanket of the familiarity and learn to walk on your own without the crutch of excuses and blame. Take control of your destiny by making healthy thoughtful choices that will allow you to be free from the pain of the past.

The mind can be a prison, which enables you to be bitter and see life as a pain. Instead, the keys of communication and forgiveness can open the prison and enable you to see life in a positive view of overcoming, even in the bleakest of times. Hold onto precious memories like Billy in the Where the Red Fern Grows and not on events which cause more pain. It is letting go of the familiar and walking in the uncharted territory and accepting the good and the bad, which allows you to let go to see a world of Hope.

By faith (Forging Attitude In Trusting Him)

The Value of Women: (Motherhood)

 The mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense, tragic. It requires the most intense love

 on the mother's side, yet this very love must help the child grow away from the mother, and to become fully independent. -Erich Fromm

Spring is in the air from April showers, which bring May flowers. Flowers are nature’s way of providing perfume in the air. Similar to the wonderful smells to my grandmother’s kitchen; although her apple pies, cornbread with red beans and okra were great country smells. Take time to walk around and stop to smell the flowers and see what memories swell like ocean tides to reminisce of years gone by. 

Each flower is unique and yet beautiful in its own way. They bring smiles on Valentine’s Day, sympathy expressions for those who have died, and comfort for those who are ill. There are many ways flowers can be expressive. Some have thorns to be reminders to handle them gently. 

Time is not man’s best friend. Flowers begin to age and wilt and then die off. Some keep coming back year after year with more radiant blooms than last year. No, this story isn’t about actual flowers, but about mothers. Mother’s age and are reborn time after time. They may seem to wilt on the outside, but it is the inside that is renewed. Grandmothers are special and unique flowers that most of us have fond memories of their interaction with us as children growing up. 

Mothers have a challenge in this era than any other time. Single mothers are at an all-time high due to divorce rates. Mothers are important in raising a family and most of all, men need to value women. There are some things along the way (past and present), which have taught me valuable lessons about women. Therefore, I will only discuss one specific lesson to keep it short. 

Mothers are necessary in their children’s life. Sons need to be taught how to be soft in their approach to women. Tough to protect and provide security, but not where it overshadows a woman’s character.  To respect and value the nature of women and motherhood. To be gentle and not harsh. 

I feel churches have missed their mark in teaching men how they are to be head of the household. I value 1 Peter 3:7 and in my paraphrase, I read it as men are to be careful in your understanding of your women (wives, daughters, sisters) and carefully handle their emotions because your prayers can be hindered. I believe this reflects back to the Garden of Eden. Where Eve’s emotions were enticed to eat of the forbidden fruit that God expressed not to eat and she equated it with not to eat or touch, but did. She was told man was to “rule” over her. My paraphrase of Gen 3:16 reflects: “Eve, because of your emotions got the best of you, then I am commanding man to assist in your understanding and direct or redirect your emotions, so that you will have a help mate to assist in your self-talk moments” (S. Hudgins, © 2014). It is not about control over another person. It is man and woman walking in a journey where temptations can mislead and separate from a Father’s love, which we are to have healthy communication in staying on the path.

Mothers should teach their men how to carefully handle a woman’s emotions. A woman should help a man to reflect carefully and not rule as a dictator, but to listen to her and at the same time provide wisdom when needed. When this is reflected properly, it is in nature a woman will respect a man without him demanding, and a man will be gentle in leading and not commanding. Thus, a man is to treat his wife as Christ loves the church. 

Daughters need to be taught how to have healthy boundaries. Boundaries, which teach them self-respect, and learning how to keep men from taking advantage of them. Boundaries through marinating in His Word, to teach them their identity is found in Christ and not in a value of themselves or vain words of a man. Women need to be gentle in their emotions as to not squash a man’s heart or his calling from the Creator. A healthy boundary in learning when to gently correct, nurture and provide stern wisdom through love to guide a man in the direction of a Godly way. 

Mothers are necessary in child rearing. When divorce is at an all-time high it is a challenge for a single mother to raise her children. Children need to be encouraged to spend time with both parents. It is important for mothers to encourage their children’s relationships with the fathers as long as it is not detrimental (drugs/substance abuse/ongoing physical abuse) and vice versa. 

Women are the flowers of today as long as men understand how to cultivate the soul and provide the necessary nutrients in order for them to feel cherished. Mothers can feel they have a thankless “job”, if men do not recognize these qualities. Women captivate your thoughts and make them obedient to Christ. Set healthy boundaries for yourself and your children. Learn to follow the Creator and not your emotions, or what others think. Mothers have a valuable place in a fragile world. It is difficult to maintain a balance when society has mixed views on families.

 I am thankful I have a mother who influenced me to enrich my faith with the Father. Often times, I may have been upset, but am thankful for her being there, when I needed her in the times I was hurting. I am thankful for my grandmothers who taught me to be gentle with my children by learning to nurture and to love my children and family. I am thankful for an Aunt, who didn’t have children, but claimed me as one of her own. She has taught me to strengthen my Faith and to learn from the past and to build a future, which makes me stronger. 

Men, admire women, and their place they have been elevated too as mothers. Mothers need to be recognized and valued. They try their best to raise children, who will be productive members of society. Often torn between protecting and serving, while trying to do what they feel is right. For all women out there with or without children, there is a powerful influence you have in society and with this power comes great responsibility. 

Happy Mother’s Day and in hearts of mankind you are the flower, which blooms the radiant fragrance of tender love and kindness. 

By Faith (Forging Attitude In Trusting Him)