Blended Thoughts - Cooking a Relationship

“Carve your name on hearts, not tombstones. A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories they share about you.” (Shannon L. Alder) 

My grandmothers had a unique style of cooking, even though they came from different lifestyles and regions. My grandmother in New Mexico made the best Coconut Cream Pie that this tongue has ever tasted. When she knew I was traveling through from Tulsa to Las Vegas four years ago, I had to stop and visit. Yup! She did it; that was the last pie she made for me. I am forever grateful for her love and tenderness, which she poured into the special Coconut Cream pie for me. She is now in an assisted living place in Albuquerque and unable to cook. 

My other grandmother passed away (2012), but I will never forget the smell of her country cooking on the cotton farm around Pyron, Texas. She had a cotton farm started by my grandfather and when he passed away in 1966, her son (my uncle) continues to farm cotton to this day. Yet, I remember the fresh black eye peas she grew, the pinto beans with ham hock, cornbread and homemade peach ice cream. 

These women poured themselves into their recipes and their cooking was loved by all. I was thankful to have learned some of the cooking from both and remember both canning fresh fruit and vegetables. My favorite was dill pickles and prickly pear cactus jelly, Texas style! 

We all love food, but I feel it is love, which can be poured into the cooking that brings out the best taste in food; especially when it is made by loving hands. The food growing up was totally different than the food we have today; but that is not what I want to talk about because it is making me hungry this hour as I write this. 

There are many ingredients that go into food to make something unique and very good to eat. Granted, I don’t like liver. When I went to England there was a plate with good looking meat. I picked it up and ate it. It was so good, I went back to have more. The biggest mistake I made; I asked what it was that I was eating. Cow’s Tongue! I was disheartened and learned I shouldn’t have asked. 

 What are we doing in our life to do something special for someone else? Yes, it is easy to love and admire our family members and eat something fantastic they cooked. Sometimes, not so fantastic, but you still appreciate their thoughtfulness of you not going hungry. 

What type of legacy are you leaving behind? Sure we made mistakes and there are some who will bear grudges against us. When I was diagnosed with cancer and found out that I may not make it in 2014, I found those who I have hurt and contacted them to ask for forgiveness for my mistakes. Whether they forgive or not, it doesn’t bother me anymore. I made my peace and can change who I am for the better. Thankfully, by the grace of my Father, today I am cancer free.

Good cooking sometimes ages with wisdom and experience. Our life can be the same way. How we express ourselves, how we learn from our mistakes to become a better person is most important. Life in a blender can be terrifying. Sometimes getting all mixed up and then poured out is the hard part because change is always difficult for most of us.

It is difficult and challenging sometimes in relationships. Relationships are like cooking. There are two different ingredients coming together and marinating into a family and bake over time. There are friendships, romantic relationships, and child to adult and much more different types of relationships. What are we doing to maintain a healthy relationship? 

Love is the bonding agent to hold the relationship together. It speaks gently and communicates in a manner that presents itself in a way that even in challenging times, the relationship can be mended. Love overlooks a multitude of sins. It is the icing to the cake of the relationship. 

Kindness is the seasoning, which adds flavor to a relationship. Kindness is like salt. It preserves the relationship and ads flavor. Like salt, kindness can be too much; one can be overtly kind. Think of water to a plant. If you over water it, it can suffocate the plant. Water a little at a time. I am still learning this process when it comes to dating relationships. I am genuine in who I am and often forget to process about the other person’s thoughts and feelings. We come from different backgrounds and when starting a new relationship, both will have to consider how to nourish and replenish the relationship. Bottom line, if the person is not hurting and non threatening, then communicate how to develop the relationship and not run from it.

Communication is the mixer, which mixes all the ingredients together. Watch the speed of the blender and how well you mix. Communication is a must in keeping relationships thriving. Do not ignore a situation because you are hurt, even if you are not sure how to express. Allow that other person room to speak for themselves. Controlling a relationship through silence will kill the heart. 

“You are a living magnet. What you attract into your life is in harmony with your dominant thoughts” –Brian Tracy

Finally, the little things are the sides to the main dish you present. Do express your thoughts through your walk. Be who you say you are by the way you walk. Do the little things, whether you send flowers to someone who is having a bad day versus on an anniversary. Both are great, but which speaks volumes? 

Cooking is like relationships. It takes time to develop. However, be true to yourself and let no one put you down. Men and women, NEVER, speak badly about your spouse to others. If there is a challenging matter, do not discuss with others first, without bringing the matter to your significant other first.  Do not discuss your relationship with the opposite sex. You do not know how they feel towards you and that is how divorces happen slowly. No matter how challenging your relationship maybe, speak positive about them.  Be aware of the Love Language of the other person. 

Developing that initial relationship can be challenging. First impressions are false. What if that person didn’t get enough sleep? What if that person was nervous? What if something terrible was going on that day? People are people and everyone deserves a chance. 

People are going to be at different stages in life. Like cooking, some will be mixing, some will be baking, and some will be gathering ingredients, but the bottom line is there is a core commonality: We all love food! Why can’t relationships be the same way? It is how we choose to work out those relationships. Like cooking, finding the right measure of ingredients to make something beautiful is important. Learning to cook together, being patient, having an understanding it isn't about you, it is about the other person that can bake a healthy relationship.

When the blending is done, reflect on the good memories and cherish those. It is easy to focus on the negative memories (like liver) and lash out at those close to you. It is better to express how you feel about the other person (like coconut cream pie), so they will have a positive sweet memory of who you are. We are to touch each other’s lives in a positive moment. Do not question the motive of the kindness behind someone's kindness. 

I feel Ray Bradbury in his book, “Fahrenheit” said it best, “Everyone must leave something behind when he dies, my grandfather said. A child or a book or a painting or a house or a wall built or a pair of shoes made. Or a garden planted. Something your hand touched some way so your soul has somewhere to go when you die, and when people look at that tree or that flower you planted, you're there.

It doesn't matter what you do, he said, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. The difference between the man who just cuts lawns and a real gardener is in the touching, he said. The lawn-cutter might just as well not have been there at all; the gardener will be there a lifetime (pg 451).

Forge a relationship that is meaningful, By Faith we forge our attitudes in trusting Him!

Do you have the racoon syndrome?

“It's strange indeed how memories can lie dormant in a man's mind for so many years. Yet those  memories can be awakened and brought forth fresh and new, just by something you've seen, or something you've heard, or the sight of an old familiar face.” ~ Wilson Rawls, Where the Red Fern Grows

While growing up there was a favorite book as a child I would like to read; entitled, “Where the Red Fern Grows.” It is about a young boy, named Billy and his two coon dogs “Old Dan & Little Ann”.  Billy became excited to go hunting with his two new coon dogs and sought advice from his grandfather on how to trap a coon. His grandfather taught him an old trick by using a bit and a brace. 

The coon would slide his hand inside the brace in order to pick up something reflective (like a piece of metal).  The coon would clasp his fist around the metal and would not let go as it tried to pull it out of the brace. The coon was relentless on not letting it go, therefore causing itself to be snared. 

Sometimes as humans we are similar to the raccoon. We want to hold onto what seems “attractive” and later on it seems to plague us. In my own correspondence with others, I have come to a conclusion, even within my own journey in life, that humans have a tendency to hold onto things, which are not healthy. 

I am not writing about a physical disorder called, “hording”.  A Hording Disorder is someone who never throws anything away because there is some attachment to the object. Things collect and can become a health risk. To them it is something with meaning and to the outsiders, it is seems as useless trash. 

The mind is similar to hording and it can become an unhealthy mind. This is what I would like to refer to as, “mind hording” of specific events, words, actions, guilt, shame, remorse, feelings, trauma to which becomes unhealthy attachments into the mind.  At times it is very difficult to accept or embrace the changes we encounter or the fear of encountering. It takes a lot of strength and energy to hold onto something and not letting it go. We lose time and quality relationships by holding onto what are not productive situations. 

In my personal experience, I conveyed a thought and I did not know the effect of my communication to an ex-spouse, until three years later. It was revealed to me in a discussion, which turned into an argument, that she harbored the words and the statement for years and did not talk to me about the hurt she felt. When I conveyed my statement in a different way, it made sense to her and she relinquished the ill feelings she had harbored for so long. The thoughts that were held for those three years affected the attitudes in both of us. 

Letting go is a very difficult challenge. It is like a raccoon becoming snared in the box because it wants the shiny object and with a closed fist, it can’t pull its hand out of the snare. Often we can find ourselves trapped in relationships because we fear the unknown. Often we want to hold onto what hurts us as a self-defense mechanism to keep others at bay. Words, events, actions of others can be like shiny objects; never wanting to let go of the familiar. When we embrace change, accept what could or may not happen, then only then will we be strengthened by understanding it takes letting go of the emotional attachments. 

There is an option to take to free oneself of the destructive thoughts, grudges, resentments, so that it isn’t manifested through attitudes, which are projected onto others. I feel there are two keys to a better sense of a healthy mind.  It is something I learned after years of holding onto resentment of loved ones, which stemmed from my childhood and teen-age years. I had to let go through forgiveness. It improved the relationship and it allowed me to be free and through attitude, too see them in a different perspective, which allows me to be happier. 

First key is forgiving. It does not mean to erase your past or to forget. It doesn’t mean the other person will change their behavior, but it means you are letting go and clearing the mind to allow positive thoughts to flow. The second key is communicating. Communicate with your self, by thinking through things clearly and then communicating with the other person your thoughts and feelings. 

Figure out how you could have been partially responsible for what occurred. Could it have been prevented and can it be in the future? It isn’t accepting all the blame or taking responsibility from the other person; it is a mind process to allow positive thinking instead of negative thinking. This process allows one to realize we are not a victim, but a participant in life, which can help make one a victor. 

Letting go means you cannot control the actions of others; only you have control over your thoughts and actions. Letting go means to quit reliving the hurt by rehashing past events and languishing over the “could have”, the “only –if”, and the “should have” events. There is a power to move on, but it takes exercise of the mind to the will of forgiveness. 

It is easy to say let go. I know I have heard it all my life and sometimes resented others for telling me to let go. The realization which helped was not in the words itself of letting go, but the confusion of how to let go. It was unfamiliar territory for me. Having been taught on how to hold onto things because of sentimental value or wanting to hold onto things because of past memories was easier (familiar). 

Instead, these things were tearing me up and being projected onto others. I had to understand, there can be miss communication at times. I had to learn how to exercise of letting go. I had to think of all my problems and realize I needed to change. I thought about the pros and cons of how it affected the relationships, the pain the problems caused, are my thoughts stopping me from pursuing what I wanted.  Then I had to look at communicating my thoughts because they were sometimes wrong in my perceptions and had to make amends and then forgiving myself and others.

Letting go means you recognize the pain and it will take time to heal. There has to be commitment to change. Step outside of the comfort and the blanket of the familiarity and learn to walk on your own without the crutch of excuses and blame. Take control of your destiny by making healthy thoughtful choices that will allow you to be free from the pain of the past.

The mind can be a prison, which enables you to be bitter and see life as a pain. Instead, the keys of communication and forgiveness can open the prison and enable you to see life in a positive view of overcoming, even in the bleakest of times. Hold onto precious memories like Billy in the Where the Red Fern Grows and not on events which cause more pain. It is letting go of the familiar and walking in the uncharted territory and accepting the good and the bad, which allows you to let go to see a world of Hope.

By faith (Forging Attitude In Trusting Him)