Relationships - The Moment of Impact

"We're all on loan. The only thing that makes sense is to be together.” “There's a million what-ifs in life. You just have to keep yourself from thinking about the bad ones.”― Juliette Fay, Shelter Me  

On August 1903 Muriel Strode wrote a poem that was published, titled “Wind-Wafted Wild Flowers”   It is a challenge to go on a new journey and not knowing what will become of things on the other side or at the end of the journey. She wrote, "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.”

In 2009 driving along the highway we were headed to Las Vegas, Nevada to see family.  It was a leisurely drive and thankful for being able to stop in Albuquerque, New Mexico to stay with my grandmother. The next morning we were traveling and we were distracted by a sign: Crater City next exit. It was an amazing adventure and I learned how millions of years ago the earth was impacted by a crater and left the mark in the earth.  Wow; I thought this is how we impact others physically and emotionally. 

On the way back we stopped at the Grand Canyon. It is still a mystery to me in how the canyon can be so wide. Scientists believe the water made the change by making debris flows which deepened and widened the walls and forming the canyon into what it is today. The water created its own path and left a trail known as the Colorado River. 

Personal relationships or people in general, provide good impacts and trails within our hearts that have left a footprint in our lives. Sometimes, there are the negative impacts. However, do we show how we been negatively impacted by others like Crater City and never filling in the void? 

“Loneliness is painful. But suffering is not wrong in and of itself. It's part of the human experience, and in a way brings us closer to all people.” – Juliette Fay, Shelter Me

This past weekend, I was impacted by watching a Netflix movie called: Gimme Shelter. It is based on a true story of a teen who ventured out on her own after abuse by her mother. She didn’t know she was pregnant when she showed up at her father’s house. There was a moment of impact for me in the movie which I could identify here are some bits and pieces of quotes: 

Agnes ‘Apple’ Bailey:  I just wanted to come and tell you I probably shouldn’t have yelled at you.

Chaplain:  Are you apologizing to me?

Agnes ‘Apple’ Bailey:  Um…  I’m not.

Chaplain:  Sounds like it to me.  Never apologize for your true feelings.

Agnes ‘Apple’ Bailey:  Where was God when I was suffering and abused all these years?

Chaplain:  Don’t make your child suffer because you’re suffering. Jeremiah 29:11-12, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. “

Agnes ‘Apple’ Bailey (talking about the shelter for teen mothers):  The people there, they make you feel like a family.  Like you’re loved….  It’s crazy how you can go and live with strangers and feel so much joy and not feel any different, and not feel unwanted and feel you can go places in your life and succeed in life.  I know I can be your daughter, someday, but I need time.  Can you give me that?

Tom (her father):  Yeah, I can do that.

We are all impacted by good and bad ways. When we are negatively impacted, we can blame, accuse, excuse or be angry at a person who we feel has hurt us. Sometimes our views are skewed by others biased gossip. There are times we can be impacted and felt hurt by someone, but it stemmed from prior hurts we never dealt with, which is often known as baggage. These feelings can be projected onto the person we feel is hurting us, when in fact, they are trying to uplift us and challenge us to changes we are not accustomed to. 

We all have been impacted by hurts and wonder "why". In the movie, "Apple" asked, "Where was God when I was suffering and abused all these years." The Chaplain went to the truth. Often we feed into lies that breed more contempt or disheartening, instead of looking to the truth. The truth was found in scripture when he quoted: Jeremiah 29:11-12, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. “

We are all impacted in some way by each other. Sometimes our suffering stems from poor choices, which other people have made and sometimes even in our choice that we have made. God has a way of turning the bad into something good; but only if we choose to call, come and pray on Him. Allow the impacts of your life to turn into positives in order to challenge and uplift others who are stuck in their craters of life. 

I want to leave you with this quote and may you find it having an impact by providing hope:

It is the darkness of misapprehension of God that is

enshrouding the world. Men are losing their knowledge of His

character. It has been misunderstood and misinterpreted. At

this time a message from God is to be proclaimed, a message

illuminating in its influence and saving in its power. His

character is to be made known. Into the darkness of the world is

to be shed the light of His glory, the light of His goodness, mercy

and truth. . . . The last rays of merciful light, the last message of

mercy to be given to the world, is the revelation of His character

of love” (E. G. White, Christ Object Lessons [Hagerstown, MD:

Review and Herald Publishing Association, 1941], p. 415-16).

It is time to make a positive IMPACT on others. Let’s begin illuminating a positive story that provides a world of Hope that there are good things in life. If we choose to look at the positive impacts of how Christ perfects us through His love and grace and our focus is on Him and not of ourselves, then we created a new trail because many of us are used to walking similar paths of pain. 

  The good news is that God is not the kind of person Satan has made Him out to be. . . . Since the great controversy began,it has been Satan’s studied purpose to persuade angels and men that God is not worthy of their faith and love. He has pictured the Creator as a harsh, demanding tyrant who lays arbitrary requirements upon His people just to show His authority and test their willingness to obey (Graham Maxwell, Pineknoll.org)

By Faith, 

Relationships - Why Are They Challenging Sometimes?

Dietrich Bonhoeffer--“The Cost of Discipleship” he stated: “By judging others we blind ourselves to our own evil and to the grace which others are just as entitled to as we are.”

Ever been pierced? No, not in the nose, eyebrow, ears, lips or any type of other body piercing. I mean have you ever had your heart pierced? Evidently I don’t mean by a physical sense, but a metaphorical sense. Where ever we go, we are in touch with another human being. Look in the sky and there is an airplane. Look to the waters and there are boats or someone swimming. Look around you and there are people.

I didn’t like growing up in a military family because of not being able to stay in one location, but I did enjoy the benefits of traveling and seeing the world.  Living in Japan for three years was the highlight of my teenage years. I developed very close friendships and able to maintain them through Facebook after all these years. Moving and losing a relationship is heart piercing. 

You don’t physically bleed, but your emotional tears that are shed sometimes feel like blood runs out of your eyes. Losing someone to death, someone who ends a relationship or someone using control by forcing the silent treatment tends to wound the heart. 

Why are relationships difficult? People gossip about someone they do not like or do not know. People judge others based on race, sex, age, and gender. People do not want to associate with someone because they don’t like them and in reality, sometime it is something within them they don’t like.  Maybe, family members use their power of control by the use of silence and have nothing to do with you. Either way it is challenging to have healthy relationships. 

Granted we all have a past.  I grew up to learn unhealthy thinking and ways of developing relationships. It took a long time for me to change who I am and work on building successful relationships. A while back I sent apology letters and spoke to people of those whom I hurt. If I have forgotten someone, then I ask for your forgiveness now for hurting you.

We all grow and should allow the room for everyone to grow when making mistakes. If two people are not agreeable to be cognizant and accountable for their relationship, then things tend to unravel. Most people I’ve counseled express, “a good relationship doesn’t take much work.” This unfortunately, is a misconception for all relationships require a conscious effort to maintain courteousness and a strong level of stability.  

Last week a family of five was sitting in my office. A 14 year old patient explained he doesn’t feel loved. His mother interjected and tried to point out everything they had done. Good thing I read the Five Love Languages.  Most of us try to express how we love someone through our interpretation of love and it doesn’t mean it is the receiver’s way of understanding they are loved. We have to speak their love language and his was quality time of one on one and both parents acknowledged they didn’t do this. 

It is important to create healthy boundaries and being careful to stay out of toxic relationships. However, healthy boundaries should provide a maturity level by providing closure to the other person as to why you no longer want to associate with them and not enforcing the silent treatment. 

Jesus displayed a relationship model when He chose the twelve disciples. The first one, John, Christ dearly loved. The, Christ spent time with two others, James and Peter. These three were the pivotal point, which teaches us in relationships of who we can love and trust based upon trial and error. They are the core of our relationships. 

However, we have to like and accept who we are before we can allow anyone into our private circle. Once that circle of trust has been established then there were the other nine men they associated among themselves. Then you have another circle of disciples who were followers. These are like people in your school, work, church, etc. that are your acquaintances. 

Relationships are difficult because what others gossip about. Husbands and wives fall prey into this category. Bottom line, a husband, wife, significant other etc, should NEVER talk bad about their partner towards others. No matter how bad the relationship is going. Counseling is better reserved to air out those toxic feelings. Those who are in relationships and or married should NEVER talk to the opposite sex about what is going on in their marriage. You never know if that other person has an eye on your prize and they would say anything to get it.

 “If someone isn’t what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.” ? Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

 

Finally, treat people not the way you want to be treated. Rather, treat people better than what you think you should be treated.  Gossip damages other people. Silent treatment kills.  I’ve learned not to write people off because you never know if God is working on changing who you are as a person. It has for me and developed some wonderful relationships because my viewpoints changed about that other person. 

Harvell Hendris in his book, Getting The Love You Want, has a great quote that I would like to share:” “In order to have a satisfying love relationship, both partners need to draw their energy back into the relationship. It is very difficult to identify what is wrong with a relationship if the participants keep themselves distant and distracted. Even more important, two intimate partners cannot reconnect with each other until they are physically and emotionally available.” 

Please, do some prayerful thinking about your own relationships. Paul says make every opportunity to make peace with everyone (Romans 14:9).  Just because someone rubs you the wrong way, doesn’t mean you should run from it. I am thankful for those who rubbed me the wrong way and helped me to change my thinking into becoming a better person. We all need some changes in our relationships. It’s better to live in light than to snuff someone’s light out because of who they are or what you heard about them. 

By Faith - Always Forging Attitude In Trusting Him, 

The Hobo Stew - Messy Relationships

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” ― C.G. Jung

It was a challenge for me growing up in a military family.  It seemed we were always packing, moving, unpacking and then to begin the experience of exploring new realms of relationships. It is almost like the Star Trek theme: “Space the final frontier…..”.

Relationships can be challenging. In worship, we are going through the book of Acts. People’s lives can be messy. What I fear is some Christians forget this piece of it and judge others. I have been hit by those types of bullets of judgment by others. There are some who want to tear you down because they feel threatened by your confidence or special talents and gifts that they do not have. They judge you on your past and not on the present. I want to apologize on behalf of Christians who have judged you. 

Relationships are messy because of the complexities of backgrounds coming together with different perceptions and of opinions though insights they wish to contribute into the relationship. Think of relationships as Hobo Stew. It was named Hobo stew because of what the Hobos would do around the train yards. Hobos would bring in what they had in order to make a large meal for each other as they were hopping the trains and would stop along the way to have a meal and fellowship.  

In South Dakota on a weekend, I never forgotten the big black caldron and a boat oar. Everyone would come with a can of something and throw it into the caldron as it smoldered over the hot fire. The oar stirred all the contents together. The end result was Hobo Stew. 

We can nitpick at the ingredients and find enough bad in it that we refuse to eat it. We can nitpick at the ingredients and find enough good things we like and we eat it. People are the same way. We find the good or the bad and depending upon how we view people by our present views, we can either find enough good or bad to associate or disassociate from them. 

When you complain about someone who seems to hang out on the street corner begging for food, then look at yourself and remember the last time you complained about the food you didn’t want to eat. When you complain about how many times someone has been divorced or remarried, then look at your own self and see how many jobs you been through. Or personal relationships you have encountered and let go. 

There has to be healthy boundaries in your life in order to have the proper relationship. Second, you have to have a viewpoint of Hobo Stew. We all have variety of things which make use unique. Finally, instead of finding what is wrong about things, ask yourself what is right about those things. It will challenge your thinking and outlook when developing healthy relationships. Be careful of mixed messages you send. 

Mixed signals are similar to an experience I have had. A female person stated on her online dating profile she was looking for a man that was a Christian. We corresponded and when I asked about praying together in the relationship, she stopped texting. We can go into relationships with a shotgun approach or if we sit down with a defined purpose and truth of what we want, then we can use one bullet to target what we exactly want in a relationship.

 

“You can talk with someone for years, every day, and still, it won't mean as much as what you can have when you sit in front of someone, not saying a word, yet you feel that person with your heart, you feel like you have known the person for forever.... connections are made with the heart, not the tongue.” –C.Joybell C. 

Relationships are like hobo stew. Sometimes it has to be an acquired taste. However, having the mindset of knowing things can be messy will help you have a clean aspect of how to approach a new relationship. In the beginning, I don’t look at my patient’s chart because I want to see it from a different perspective and to allow the patient to provide insight as to whether or not they want true help. It allows a fresh perception and not a biased skew point in working with the individual.

Accepting a person for where they are in life and walking through them can change their view on life. Let’s stop being hobos and wandering aimlessly; but realize relationships are like hobo stew. You never know the outcome unless you sit down and taste it. There are some relationships you may or may not like. Everyone has skeletons in the closet, but it doesn’t mean we should treat others in a manner they are rejected. When we set aside our self and invest into the other individual, give it time to see if there is a return on the investment. Hobo stew is nourishing If you allow yourself to be in the mix.  

By F(orging) A(ttitude) I(n) T(rusting) H(im)