The Hobo Stew - Messy Relationships

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” ― C.G. Jung

It was a challenge for me growing up in a military family.  It seemed we were always packing, moving, unpacking and then to begin the experience of exploring new realms of relationships. It is almost like the Star Trek theme: “Space the final frontier…..”.

Relationships can be challenging. In worship, we are going through the book of Acts. People’s lives can be messy. What I fear is some Christians forget this piece of it and judge others. I have been hit by those types of bullets of judgment by others. There are some who want to tear you down because they feel threatened by your confidence or special talents and gifts that they do not have. They judge you on your past and not on the present. I want to apologize on behalf of Christians who have judged you. 

Relationships are messy because of the complexities of backgrounds coming together with different perceptions and of opinions though insights they wish to contribute into the relationship. Think of relationships as Hobo Stew. It was named Hobo stew because of what the Hobos would do around the train yards. Hobos would bring in what they had in order to make a large meal for each other as they were hopping the trains and would stop along the way to have a meal and fellowship.  

In South Dakota on a weekend, I never forgotten the big black caldron and a boat oar. Everyone would come with a can of something and throw it into the caldron as it smoldered over the hot fire. The oar stirred all the contents together. The end result was Hobo Stew. 

We can nitpick at the ingredients and find enough bad in it that we refuse to eat it. We can nitpick at the ingredients and find enough good things we like and we eat it. People are the same way. We find the good or the bad and depending upon how we view people by our present views, we can either find enough good or bad to associate or disassociate from them. 

When you complain about someone who seems to hang out on the street corner begging for food, then look at yourself and remember the last time you complained about the food you didn’t want to eat. When you complain about how many times someone has been divorced or remarried, then look at your own self and see how many jobs you been through. Or personal relationships you have encountered and let go. 

There has to be healthy boundaries in your life in order to have the proper relationship. Second, you have to have a viewpoint of Hobo Stew. We all have variety of things which make use unique. Finally, instead of finding what is wrong about things, ask yourself what is right about those things. It will challenge your thinking and outlook when developing healthy relationships. Be careful of mixed messages you send. 

Mixed signals are similar to an experience I have had. A female person stated on her online dating profile she was looking for a man that was a Christian. We corresponded and when I asked about praying together in the relationship, she stopped texting. We can go into relationships with a shotgun approach or if we sit down with a defined purpose and truth of what we want, then we can use one bullet to target what we exactly want in a relationship.

 

“You can talk with someone for years, every day, and still, it won't mean as much as what you can have when you sit in front of someone, not saying a word, yet you feel that person with your heart, you feel like you have known the person for forever.... connections are made with the heart, not the tongue.” –C.Joybell C. 

Relationships are like hobo stew. Sometimes it has to be an acquired taste. However, having the mindset of knowing things can be messy will help you have a clean aspect of how to approach a new relationship. In the beginning, I don’t look at my patient’s chart because I want to see it from a different perspective and to allow the patient to provide insight as to whether or not they want true help. It allows a fresh perception and not a biased skew point in working with the individual.

Accepting a person for where they are in life and walking through them can change their view on life. Let’s stop being hobos and wandering aimlessly; but realize relationships are like hobo stew. You never know the outcome unless you sit down and taste it. There are some relationships you may or may not like. Everyone has skeletons in the closet, but it doesn’t mean we should treat others in a manner they are rejected. When we set aside our self and invest into the other individual, give it time to see if there is a return on the investment. Hobo stew is nourishing If you allow yourself to be in the mix.  

By F(orging) A(ttitude) I(n) T(rusting) H(im)

Do you have the racoon syndrome?

“It's strange indeed how memories can lie dormant in a man's mind for so many years. Yet those  memories can be awakened and brought forth fresh and new, just by something you've seen, or something you've heard, or the sight of an old familiar face.” ~ Wilson Rawls, Where the Red Fern Grows

While growing up there was a favorite book as a child I would like to read; entitled, “Where the Red Fern Grows.” It is about a young boy, named Billy and his two coon dogs “Old Dan & Little Ann”.  Billy became excited to go hunting with his two new coon dogs and sought advice from his grandfather on how to trap a coon. His grandfather taught him an old trick by using a bit and a brace. 

The coon would slide his hand inside the brace in order to pick up something reflective (like a piece of metal).  The coon would clasp his fist around the metal and would not let go as it tried to pull it out of the brace. The coon was relentless on not letting it go, therefore causing itself to be snared. 

Sometimes as humans we are similar to the raccoon. We want to hold onto what seems “attractive” and later on it seems to plague us. In my own correspondence with others, I have come to a conclusion, even within my own journey in life, that humans have a tendency to hold onto things, which are not healthy. 

I am not writing about a physical disorder called, “hording”.  A Hording Disorder is someone who never throws anything away because there is some attachment to the object. Things collect and can become a health risk. To them it is something with meaning and to the outsiders, it is seems as useless trash. 

The mind is similar to hording and it can become an unhealthy mind. This is what I would like to refer to as, “mind hording” of specific events, words, actions, guilt, shame, remorse, feelings, trauma to which becomes unhealthy attachments into the mind.  At times it is very difficult to accept or embrace the changes we encounter or the fear of encountering. It takes a lot of strength and energy to hold onto something and not letting it go. We lose time and quality relationships by holding onto what are not productive situations. 

In my personal experience, I conveyed a thought and I did not know the effect of my communication to an ex-spouse, until three years later. It was revealed to me in a discussion, which turned into an argument, that she harbored the words and the statement for years and did not talk to me about the hurt she felt. When I conveyed my statement in a different way, it made sense to her and she relinquished the ill feelings she had harbored for so long. The thoughts that were held for those three years affected the attitudes in both of us. 

Letting go is a very difficult challenge. It is like a raccoon becoming snared in the box because it wants the shiny object and with a closed fist, it can’t pull its hand out of the snare. Often we can find ourselves trapped in relationships because we fear the unknown. Often we want to hold onto what hurts us as a self-defense mechanism to keep others at bay. Words, events, actions of others can be like shiny objects; never wanting to let go of the familiar. When we embrace change, accept what could or may not happen, then only then will we be strengthened by understanding it takes letting go of the emotional attachments. 

There is an option to take to free oneself of the destructive thoughts, grudges, resentments, so that it isn’t manifested through attitudes, which are projected onto others. I feel there are two keys to a better sense of a healthy mind.  It is something I learned after years of holding onto resentment of loved ones, which stemmed from my childhood and teen-age years. I had to let go through forgiveness. It improved the relationship and it allowed me to be free and through attitude, too see them in a different perspective, which allows me to be happier. 

First key is forgiving. It does not mean to erase your past or to forget. It doesn’t mean the other person will change their behavior, but it means you are letting go and clearing the mind to allow positive thoughts to flow. The second key is communicating. Communicate with your self, by thinking through things clearly and then communicating with the other person your thoughts and feelings. 

Figure out how you could have been partially responsible for what occurred. Could it have been prevented and can it be in the future? It isn’t accepting all the blame or taking responsibility from the other person; it is a mind process to allow positive thinking instead of negative thinking. This process allows one to realize we are not a victim, but a participant in life, which can help make one a victor. 

Letting go means you cannot control the actions of others; only you have control over your thoughts and actions. Letting go means to quit reliving the hurt by rehashing past events and languishing over the “could have”, the “only –if”, and the “should have” events. There is a power to move on, but it takes exercise of the mind to the will of forgiveness. 

It is easy to say let go. I know I have heard it all my life and sometimes resented others for telling me to let go. The realization which helped was not in the words itself of letting go, but the confusion of how to let go. It was unfamiliar territory for me. Having been taught on how to hold onto things because of sentimental value or wanting to hold onto things because of past memories was easier (familiar). 

Instead, these things were tearing me up and being projected onto others. I had to understand, there can be miss communication at times. I had to learn how to exercise of letting go. I had to think of all my problems and realize I needed to change. I thought about the pros and cons of how it affected the relationships, the pain the problems caused, are my thoughts stopping me from pursuing what I wanted.  Then I had to look at communicating my thoughts because they were sometimes wrong in my perceptions and had to make amends and then forgiving myself and others.

Letting go means you recognize the pain and it will take time to heal. There has to be commitment to change. Step outside of the comfort and the blanket of the familiarity and learn to walk on your own without the crutch of excuses and blame. Take control of your destiny by making healthy thoughtful choices that will allow you to be free from the pain of the past.

The mind can be a prison, which enables you to be bitter and see life as a pain. Instead, the keys of communication and forgiveness can open the prison and enable you to see life in a positive view of overcoming, even in the bleakest of times. Hold onto precious memories like Billy in the Where the Red Fern Grows and not on events which cause more pain. It is letting go of the familiar and walking in the uncharted territory and accepting the good and the bad, which allows you to let go to see a world of Hope.

By faith (Forging Attitude In Trusting Him)